It's been an exhausting week.

Gosh, where to start. Well first, let me say that I know my comments are not working but I'm not sure how to fix it. I'm going to keep playing with it but I'm not sure why none of you can comment. I'll get it fixed eventually, I promise. (ok, I think I have it working. Let me know if it still doesn't work.)

Ok, back to my exhausting week. Well, the tests I got were indeed because I was pregnant. I went Wednesday for my blood test but when I woke up that morning, I knew something was wrong. I had bad feelings. Everyone, including my husband, kept saying I would get good results and I was praying for that. But secretly, I knew better. Thursday morning I waited anxiously for the nurse to call me. Finally, at about 10, she called. She was just calling to say I needed more bloodwork for glucose (since I'm on metformin) and was faxing over the paperwork for it. I got the paperwork and noticed the little line at the bottom. "Dx: Pregnancy". Those words never looked so great to me. I still couldn't believe it was ME who was pregnant. I get paperwork for maternity leaves and whatnot in the Leave department all the time but this paperwork was mine.

I took it back to my desk and put it in my purse. About an hour later, my phone rings again. It's the nurse and she doesn't sound chipper. "Hi." she says in a monotone voice. "Your blood test came back negative." Those words made my heart drop. "That's ok", I tell her. "I kind of had a feeling it was going to be." We talk a bit more and hang up. I immediately start crying and texting my husband to tell him that I knew I'd get bad news and that we weren't pregnant. About an hour later, the nurse calls again and says "We got your quantitive test back. It came back at 8.6" 8.6? I've never had even a 5 for crying out loud. My quant's have always been zero. Flat zero, ziltch, nada. She goes on to say that the Dr isn't hopeful and doesn't want to get my hopes up. I ask what the percentage is that the numbers will go up and she says 1%. Those aren't good odds.

She tells me I have to have a repeat test on Tuesday to make sure my numbers are back at zero. I hang up with her and start balling again. I had just gotten over the fact that I wasn't pregnant and now I have to deal with the fact that I AM pregnant but I'm going to lose it. The day wasn't not going so hot. I wanted to pray so hard to keep the baby and something inside of me knew it wasn't going to work. My sister was praying so hard, my husband was praying so hard, and about 4 or 5 other people were praying this would end well.

It didn't.

Friday morning I woke up and had terrible cramps. I knew it was over. AF wasn't here in the morning and I got to work without having to wear anything but I brought it just in case. At about noon, AF was in full force. The cramps were in full force, too. I had to take 4 ibuprofen and 2 Aleve just to feel somewhat better. I've never felt cramps so bad in my life.

I was 5 weeks exactly on Friday. I lost my baby that I have been trying to make for 5 years. I was a mom for 5 weeks and only 5 weeks. Maybe those are the only 5 weeks I'm ever going to get as a mom. And I blew it. Of course I blamed myself. Maybe it was the beer I drank on Saturday before I even knew I was pregnant? Maybe it was the fight I had with DH the day I found out? Maybe it's all the stress I'm going through? I went through every explanation. My husband kept saying it was ok and it wasn't my fault but deep down, I just knew it was.

So today I'm dealing with cramps again and a heavy AF. I hate it. I hate that I even have AF right now. I was supposed to be having my first prenatal appointment in a few weeks. I was supposed to have my first ultrasound on DH's birthday. I would have had a sneek peek myself on November 5th. Now, all I have is AF and more Clo.mid to look forward to.

I feel silly thinking I have an angel in heaven because I was only 5 weeks. Maybe it wasn't even a "life" yet. There are many other women out there who have been further along then me and have lost their babies who can say they have an angel in heaven. Who am I to say that? I don't know. I don't feel right saying that. Almost like it's not fair to those other women.

So that's where I'm at right now. I'm not taking Clo.mid this cycle. I think my body needs a rest for a cycle and to re-generate. I need time to think too. A lot of time.