Am I resorting to monthly posting?

Sorry I haven't been around lately; things are always hectic around Christmas but every Christmas gets harder and harder as we have to spend it just husband and wife, not husband, wife, and baby.

It's always hard to watch something you can't have happen to so many people. Not just having children but making decent money and being able to do normal things, like grocery shopping. Do you know I cannot remember the last time I went grocery shopping? I want to say it was approximately 3 months ago, but that may be being too generous. We just haven't had the money. We're back to getting child support taken out of my husband's check (that's a WHOLE different bag of shit we'll explore another day...) and it's tough to survive on what we're bringing in. I'm hoping that after Christmas will be easier because we'll have no car payment and no gifts to buy. I'm trying to stay positive.

On a "trying to conceive" note (whatever the hell "trying" means) we're back on Clo.mid starting yesterday. I took a cycle off after the miscarriage and figures, the cycle lasted something like 60 days. So, now I'm waiting for AF to go fuck herself and popping 4 white pills every day for 5 days. Lots of fun. It gives me terrible migraines this time; not sure what's up with that. I don't know why I even bother with this catastrophe anymore. It's so obvious we'll never be parents. I just can't foresee having children in this house or any other. What a bleak outlook. Too bad it'll be true.

The end of the year always sucks. We always get slammed by negative things. They dropped my husband from my insurance because of some stupid dependent audit and said I didn't send in my marriage certificate. I know I did and the system shows it too; but they still dropped him. So now I'm waiting for them to fix their mistake and reinstate him. That means we'll have to pay for deductions we've missed already. Great. I had a doctor's appointment scheduled for my husband (FINALLY) the first week of January but it doesn't look like this BS is gonna be fixed by then. We had back to back appointments which is gonna be hard to get again with this Dr. Ugh.

Were you expecting good news? Because good news doesn't reside here. Hmm. That's a good blog name. Good News Doesn't Reside Here. Heh.

A mess of things.

Perfect title for the past week. Few ups, a lot of downs, and everything in between. Let's just get started, shall we?

Monday--Well, they always suck. Highway 95 was completely shut down causing a backup on 295 (which I take to work) which connects to 95 at some point. After waiting all day to find out why they're doing construction on the 95, I find out the real reason. There is an exit to RT10 off of 95 where there is an overpass going clear over all 3 lanes of 95. This overpass does not have any sort of fencing on it. There was a man driving with his girlfriend who hit a sign on 95, got out of his car, ran up the RT10 exit and jumped off the overpass into the highspeed lane. He hit the back of one truck and was then run over by 3 other cars. Turns out he had murdered a man a long time ago and ever since then, had felt extreme guilt and depression that one day (this day being the day) he decided it wasn't worth it. He left his girlfriend of something like 20 years traumatized in the car.

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday--Nothing "bad" happened really but I hadn't been feeling good and had been thinking a lot. Work is slow because we are in the middle of a conversion and our systems are down. I have today and Monday off so it was a LONG wait until vacation started. Yesterday was DH's birthday but we couldn't do much because our financial situation is kinda bad right now. DH is barely making any money at work (nevermind they're back to taking pretty much half his paycheck every week for child support) and his boss never called him yesterday so he did not work. So yeah, I'm not sure yet how Christmas is going to turn out. On the up side, I don't know why, but I've fallen more in love with DH every day lately. Maybe you have to go through the worst of times with someone to get the best of times and to see how much they really mean to you. And these are certainly the worst of times. And I have certainly seen how much he means to me.

Today--Today started off ok. I woke up at 8 when DH left for work and watched some DVRed crap I had. I have been trying to occupy myself today since today marks 6 weeks exactly since we lost Adam. It's getting harder I think as I watch a lot of my friends with their kids and getting pregnant. I've started to think I lost my chance and that others gained it and that I'll never get that chance again. I haven't taken Clo.mid this cycle and for some stupid reason, I thought I would conceive on my own. FAIL. Not only have I not gotten pregnant again but this is turning into a 40-something day cycle. I'm not sure if I want or can afford Clo.mid next cycle and even if I can, it's selfish of me to try and have a baby when we're barely staying afloat right now. Which sucks because in my opinion, I've waited damn long enough and I'm sick and tired of it. I hate that DH's sister (whom I can NOT stand) can prance around with her son and not have to worry about work because her husband works and comes from a rich family (he's a total poodle holder* anyways) and then acts all high and righteous like she's any better then anyone else. Reality check: you are not, nor will you ever be, better then anyone else. You've never fought for anything in your entire life and have always just been handed everything so shut the hell up. You're lucky you were blessed with a child at all so maybe you should think about what you say before it comes out of your mouth because some of us were not so lucky to be able to keep our child. And we will bitchslap you to high heaven.

(*Poodle Holder--One who does everything wifey says without questioning her at all. One who acts like he is made of mush and does not have a backbone. One who never takes a shit without the righteous bitch, whoops I mean wife, knowing. One who sits in the chair, holds the ugly ass poodle the wife had to have, and never says anything out of context against, in opposition to, badly about, or without approval from said bitch. I mean wife.

************************************************************

Me aside, here is the really bad part. DH calls me at about 10 and doesn't sound right. He says some people may be calling the house and of course I'm thinking the worse. He's going to jail...he's lost his job...something's happened. Yeah, something happened. We have a really good friends who was in our wedding (we'll call him H) and who we've known for quite a while. DH coached basketball with him and he used to come over my house to chill and I'd make chocolate Ch.ex for him. Well last night, on the infamous RT10 that was the scene of one death already this week, was now the scene of another death.

H's sister's death. She was only 19. A 19 year old drunk driver from MA caused the accident. No one was wearing their seat belts. She had two other friends in the car with her. They're ok. But she's not. She's gone and the last time I had checked, she was the last person to say "Happy Birthday" to my husband on his Face.book. DH says he just talked to her the other day. We always saw her at this particular restaurant where she worked. She was well-known and now she's gone. All because someone, who wasn't even old enough to drink, made the stupid decision to drive that night and ended her life. I'm so mad, sad, hurt, and shocked right now. H is a mess, rightfully so, and I'm not sure how I'm going to hold my composure when I see him and/or when I have to attend her funeral. It's going to be horrible.

I cannot imagine losing my sister (or any friend or family member) and like me, he only had one sibling and they were close. I can't imagine what he is feeling right now and I wish I could have gone back in time and seen her and warned her not to get in that car. It's not fair. My sister may piss me off sometimes, but I'm never going to take her for granted again because in an instant, she could be gone. Then I'd be standing in H's shoes wondering "why her? Take me instead". Life is way too precious and this is just a horrible day.

I hope things get better soon, for everyone. We all need that boost. God bless H's family and God bless all of you. Even if you're not highly religious (hell, neither am I) please say a prayer for his family and for his sister.

Rest in Peace E.R. You will be missed so very much.

Thank you's and decision.

First off, thank you so much guys for your comments. I can't thank you enough and you don't know how much it warms my heart. You are all the absolute best and I'm so grateful to know you all. <3

I made a decision with DH today. I still feel like I don't really have the right to say I had a "baby" but you all made me feel better about that. So I thought of something today and discussed it with DH and he seems to like the idea.

We're going to name the baby.

I had a feeling from the moment I found out that it was a boy. So I wanted to name the baby so I didn't have to keep calling it just that...the baby. So we chose a name and not really because it meant anything but more because it's a name that kept popping in my head and I still have no idea why. I just went with it though and it seems to fit. DH likes it as well.

Adam Daniel.

Adam is the name that kept popping in my head all morning and Daniel is DH's name. I don't even know if Adam is one of my favorite names but it kept popping in my head all morning so I figured, what the hell. I think it helps with closure and I feel better already. Grandpa...keep Adam safe until I can be there, ok? :)



Oh, also, I'm pretty sure I'm O'ing already. Weird isn't it? I started AF on Friday and it was pretty heavy until Sunday morning. Then throughout Sunday and Monday, it tapered off and was gone by Monday night. Yesterday, I started having O cramps on both sides and now I have EWCM. Isn't that strange? Maybe it's my imagination. Oh and the nurse called on Tuesday to let me know that my numbers were back at zero and we're free to keep trying if we want. Which we will be doing but we're not using Clo.mid this cycle. I need a rest and I want to see if maybe I can O on my own. Probably not but it's worth a shot. Then next cycle, we'll pick up Clo.mid again if we're not already pregnant.

So, that's been my week in a nutshell. It could have gone worse I guess so I'm just happy for the little things in life. I'll be pregnant again...I don't know when but in my heart, I know I'll be pregnant again.

Thanks again everyone. You all have a special place in my heart. <3

It's been an exhausting week.

Gosh, where to start. Well first, let me say that I know my comments are not working but I'm not sure how to fix it. I'm going to keep playing with it but I'm not sure why none of you can comment. I'll get it fixed eventually, I promise. (ok, I think I have it working. Let me know if it still doesn't work.)

Ok, back to my exhausting week. Well, the tests I got were indeed because I was pregnant. I went Wednesday for my blood test but when I woke up that morning, I knew something was wrong. I had bad feelings. Everyone, including my husband, kept saying I would get good results and I was praying for that. But secretly, I knew better. Thursday morning I waited anxiously for the nurse to call me. Finally, at about 10, she called. She was just calling to say I needed more bloodwork for glucose (since I'm on metformin) and was faxing over the paperwork for it. I got the paperwork and noticed the little line at the bottom. "Dx: Pregnancy". Those words never looked so great to me. I still couldn't believe it was ME who was pregnant. I get paperwork for maternity leaves and whatnot in the Leave department all the time but this paperwork was mine.

I took it back to my desk and put it in my purse. About an hour later, my phone rings again. It's the nurse and she doesn't sound chipper. "Hi." she says in a monotone voice. "Your blood test came back negative." Those words made my heart drop. "That's ok", I tell her. "I kind of had a feeling it was going to be." We talk a bit more and hang up. I immediately start crying and texting my husband to tell him that I knew I'd get bad news and that we weren't pregnant. About an hour later, the nurse calls again and says "We got your quantitive test back. It came back at 8.6" 8.6? I've never had even a 5 for crying out loud. My quant's have always been zero. Flat zero, ziltch, nada. She goes on to say that the Dr isn't hopeful and doesn't want to get my hopes up. I ask what the percentage is that the numbers will go up and she says 1%. Those aren't good odds.

She tells me I have to have a repeat test on Tuesday to make sure my numbers are back at zero. I hang up with her and start balling again. I had just gotten over the fact that I wasn't pregnant and now I have to deal with the fact that I AM pregnant but I'm going to lose it. The day wasn't not going so hot. I wanted to pray so hard to keep the baby and something inside of me knew it wasn't going to work. My sister was praying so hard, my husband was praying so hard, and about 4 or 5 other people were praying this would end well.

It didn't.

Friday morning I woke up and had terrible cramps. I knew it was over. AF wasn't here in the morning and I got to work without having to wear anything but I brought it just in case. At about noon, AF was in full force. The cramps were in full force, too. I had to take 4 ibuprofen and 2 Aleve just to feel somewhat better. I've never felt cramps so bad in my life.

I was 5 weeks exactly on Friday. I lost my baby that I have been trying to make for 5 years. I was a mom for 5 weeks and only 5 weeks. Maybe those are the only 5 weeks I'm ever going to get as a mom. And I blew it. Of course I blamed myself. Maybe it was the beer I drank on Saturday before I even knew I was pregnant? Maybe it was the fight I had with DH the day I found out? Maybe it's all the stress I'm going through? I went through every explanation. My husband kept saying it was ok and it wasn't my fault but deep down, I just knew it was.

So today I'm dealing with cramps again and a heavy AF. I hate it. I hate that I even have AF right now. I was supposed to be having my first prenatal appointment in a few weeks. I was supposed to have my first ultrasound on DH's birthday. I would have had a sneek peek myself on November 5th. Now, all I have is AF and more Clo.mid to look forward to.

I feel silly thinking I have an angel in heaven because I was only 5 weeks. Maybe it wasn't even a "life" yet. There are many other women out there who have been further along then me and have lost their babies who can say they have an angel in heaven. Who am I to say that? I don't know. I don't feel right saying that. Almost like it's not fair to those other women.

So that's where I'm at right now. I'm not taking Clo.mid this cycle. I think my body needs a rest for a cycle and to re-generate. I need time to think too. A lot of time.

Second night's test?

Yeah yeah I know, I need to use FMU. I'm going to. I'm just a little overzealous and not sure what to think of this whole thing. Anyways, apparently I'm two for two. I didn't really hold it very long. Probably about 2 hours, if that. What do you think? (Open it big to see better)

Yup. It is what you think it is. *updated*

Very bad timing. It comes on the night of the biggest blow-out with DH yet. I dunno how we'll even survive this one. But now, apparently, we have to. *big sigh*


**I'll include the original too so you can see I didn't retouch this other then putting the filter on it. *even bigger sigh*

Thank You.

Thank you Nancy for tagging me. I know I don't really "fit" anywhere on the blogging universe, but to know that someone thought of me like that really warms my heart. <3

Rules:

1-Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2-Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3-Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4-Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know.
5-Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6-Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7-Leave a comment on each


Seven things, huh?

1. I am the most sensitive person I know. Even though I can be an absolute asshole when I need to, if someone makes me unbelievably mad, I will most likely cry.

2. I would try pretty much any food at least once. I watch that show, Biz.arre Foo.ds and most of the things he eats I would try. I would NOT try spiders or anything resembling a bug though. Not uh, no way, no how.

3. Part of me wishes I would have waited to get married. Sometimes I wish I had experienced things first and traveled a little. Dated people (not slept with them, just dated and such) and got to know more people.

4. I don't think I will ever be as good as some of the fashion photographers I have seen out there. I would love to, but I don't think I will ever be at the status I want to be at.

5. I am an absolute redneck at heart. I like bonfires, beers, sleeping in tents, country music, and yes, even a little flannel.

6. When I see pictures of Ireland, I feel homesick. No, I'm not from Ireland but I have deep roots there and I think maybe in a past life, I lived there. It literally brings tears to my eyes because I want to go back there so badly...and I've never been there in the first place.

7. I have a secret obsession with vampires. If there were such a thing, I would totally wanna be one. Not like Twi.light vampires though. What's up with that sparkly shit? More like, Tr.ue Blo.od vampires.



So I guess that's it. Gosh, I think those above confessions make me look weird. Oh wait, I ~am~ weird. Sweet.

Now that the past week is done...

I can look back and laugh a little since I'm not still dealing with the week from hell.

Let's see...

Monday--Worked until 2pm and went home early not feeling well. I think it's the coffee that does it; it makes my tongue feel parched and no amount of water will help. My herbs are the only thing that did the trick.

Tuesday--Worked until 11 and definitely should NOT have driven to work. At this point, I'm on approximately day 12 of AF and the anemia has yet again, kicked in. I'm dizzy and lightheaded and can't focus at all. And nauseous doesn't even begin to describe it. I leave at 11:30 when the lady from Minute.Clinic told me I couldn't drive home so I called my aunt and sister to pick me up. I'm pretty sure my manager wasn't happy but he faked it anyways.

Wednesday--Back to work even though I probably should have stayed home again. To make matters worse, I have to work until 5:30 to make up some time today and tomorrow. Still a little nauseous.

Thursday--Feeling ok but drinking a lot of water to stay hydrated because of the aforementioned weird tongue thing. Have to pee a lot. Not good when they have stupidly requested that the bathrooms be painted in the MIDDLE of the day. So, everytime we need to use the bathroom, we have to wait for the non-English speaking men to remove themselves and hope that they do not barge back in again.

Friday--Same story as Thursday only they have cut our dress down days so we are dressed up and not comfortable. At least I'm not working until 4:30 and only because I have to race home and get to Newport for 6 for our promo video shoot for the group. The night ensued with listening to "psychics" yammer on about some stupid shit they were pulling out of their asses.


Which brings us to today. What fun is there in store? Well, we're back to Newport tonight for more fun at the fort but it should be better because there will be no camera crew, no psychics (or at least less of them), and hubby will be with me.

Gosh, I really hope next week is gonna be better. Actually, I know it is because AF is FINALLY gone.

Undescribable.

I'm not sure what emotion overpowers the other right now. Anger, sadness, frustration...it's a little bit of all of them.

I found pictures online of The Boy and my husband's family...and they are very recent photos. I can't believe they think they have the right to see him and we don't. Where do they get off? I told my husband he either calls them and bitches them out and tells them never to contact us again or he can walk.

And I'm so serious.


This whole situation has turned our lives upside down and they think it's a fucking game. They all live in different states, from Maine to Pennsylvania and get to see him, yet we live in the SAME FUCKING STATE and we can't. Bullshit. They are going to know that we are pissed one way or the other but let me tell you, when shit hits the fan, it's not going to be pretty. They have seriously pissed off the wrong person for the LAST time.

Gimmie three steps, gimmie three steps mister.

So, we pushed and pushed for 5 years and we are right back at square one. We got to court on Tuesday at 8:30am. At 9, they called everyone into the court room and went one by one calling off the names of the people who were summoned to court that day. We looked around and didn't see her. Secretly, I was praying she wouldn't show up and our lawyer would issue the arrest warrant. As names were called off and immediately answered with "here", they came to ours. As soon as our names were called out, our lawyer said "hold". Dammit.

Well, that didn't happen. She didn't show up until approximately 2 1/2 hours late but our lawyer didn't issue a damn thing. We had the male state attorney and the female SA was the one who issued the summons. She would have issued the warrant had she had our case that day. Shit. So we sit there and watch everyone get up and testify, explain their story, and walk away with either a pissed off look, a sad look, a content look, or a hefty fine to pay.

Our lawyer asks if we've seen her. Nope. He says he's going to call her lawyer and find out where they are. He does and gets no answer at the office. He says we'll wait. At this point I'm fuming because we weren't supposed to wait; there was supposed to be a warrant out for her arrest. If we hadn't shown up, there would be a cop at our door within hours to take my husband to the ACI.

Finally they show up and she stays in the hall. Good place for her, the bitch. We find out that her "husband" failed his BCI check (like I thought he was going to. He's only had about 10 convictions in the last 10 years. *eyeroll*) and that he is back in jail for "intent to sell". My husband, to my surprise, gets pissed and says "I don't want my son living with them; I want to file for custody". Well, she was not happy when her lawyer told her that. She starts spewing off that she kicked him out and they are getting divorced and blah blah blah. Bullshit.

So, ultimately we are still paying child support each week because now there is no one to adopt him. Good, I didn't want anyone to adopt him anyways (unless it were me) especially not this douchebag she called a husband. Anyway, the support was lowered since hubby isn't making as much but he tells them to keep taking the original amount for a while until arrears are paid off. Whatever. I was counting on that money to use for his birthday but he blew that idea.

The next step is for our lawyer to file a motion for custody but I've made up my mind. We ARE filing for sole custody whether she likes it or not and we ARE demanding a drug test on her. Period. Plain and simple. She doesn't like it? Too fucking bad, bitch. You're playing MY game now...and trust me, I ~always~ win.


**In other news, I'm up to 250mg of Clomid this cycle (ugh) and 500mg of Metformin. I'm hoping it goes somewhere because if I have to hear one more word about the pregnant girl at work, I'm going to go all psycho on someone. Which is another story for another day.

New blog.

So, this is it. The new blog. I haven't passed any milestone in my life (except maybe my 25th birthday) but it was time for a change. Nothing else is changing in my life so why not change what I have control over.

Infertility is still going strong. That's always good news, right? (*insert eyeroll here*). New court date tomorrow (which I will update on) for The Boy. I'm not expecting anything exciting but hey, I guess there is always some room for hope. Ha. I actually laughed out loud at that one. *sigh*

Well, I'll update tomorrow on court. Until then, buona notte.