A mess of things.

Perfect title for the past week. Few ups, a lot of downs, and everything in between. Let's just get started, shall we?

Monday--Well, they always suck. Highway 95 was completely shut down causing a backup on 295 (which I take to work) which connects to 95 at some point. After waiting all day to find out why they're doing construction on the 95, I find out the real reason. There is an exit to RT10 off of 95 where there is an overpass going clear over all 3 lanes of 95. This overpass does not have any sort of fencing on it. There was a man driving with his girlfriend who hit a sign on 95, got out of his car, ran up the RT10 exit and jumped off the overpass into the highspeed lane. He hit the back of one truck and was then run over by 3 other cars. Turns out he had murdered a man a long time ago and ever since then, had felt extreme guilt and depression that one day (this day being the day) he decided it wasn't worth it. He left his girlfriend of something like 20 years traumatized in the car.

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday--Nothing "bad" happened really but I hadn't been feeling good and had been thinking a lot. Work is slow because we are in the middle of a conversion and our systems are down. I have today and Monday off so it was a LONG wait until vacation started. Yesterday was DH's birthday but we couldn't do much because our financial situation is kinda bad right now. DH is barely making any money at work (nevermind they're back to taking pretty much half his paycheck every week for child support) and his boss never called him yesterday so he did not work. So yeah, I'm not sure yet how Christmas is going to turn out. On the up side, I don't know why, but I've fallen more in love with DH every day lately. Maybe you have to go through the worst of times with someone to get the best of times and to see how much they really mean to you. And these are certainly the worst of times. And I have certainly seen how much he means to me.

Today--Today started off ok. I woke up at 8 when DH left for work and watched some DVRed crap I had. I have been trying to occupy myself today since today marks 6 weeks exactly since we lost Adam. It's getting harder I think as I watch a lot of my friends with their kids and getting pregnant. I've started to think I lost my chance and that others gained it and that I'll never get that chance again. I haven't taken Clo.mid this cycle and for some stupid reason, I thought I would conceive on my own. FAIL. Not only have I not gotten pregnant again but this is turning into a 40-something day cycle. I'm not sure if I want or can afford Clo.mid next cycle and even if I can, it's selfish of me to try and have a baby when we're barely staying afloat right now. Which sucks because in my opinion, I've waited damn long enough and I'm sick and tired of it. I hate that DH's sister (whom I can NOT stand) can prance around with her son and not have to worry about work because her husband works and comes from a rich family (he's a total poodle holder* anyways) and then acts all high and righteous like she's any better then anyone else. Reality check: you are not, nor will you ever be, better then anyone else. You've never fought for anything in your entire life and have always just been handed everything so shut the hell up. You're lucky you were blessed with a child at all so maybe you should think about what you say before it comes out of your mouth because some of us were not so lucky to be able to keep our child. And we will bitchslap you to high heaven.

(*Poodle Holder--One who does everything wifey says without questioning her at all. One who acts like he is made of mush and does not have a backbone. One who never takes a shit without the righteous bitch, whoops I mean wife, knowing. One who sits in the chair, holds the ugly ass poodle the wife had to have, and never says anything out of context against, in opposition to, badly about, or without approval from said bitch. I mean wife.

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Me aside, here is the really bad part. DH calls me at about 10 and doesn't sound right. He says some people may be calling the house and of course I'm thinking the worse. He's going to jail...he's lost his job...something's happened. Yeah, something happened. We have a really good friends who was in our wedding (we'll call him H) and who we've known for quite a while. DH coached basketball with him and he used to come over my house to chill and I'd make chocolate Ch.ex for him. Well last night, on the infamous RT10 that was the scene of one death already this week, was now the scene of another death.

H's sister's death. She was only 19. A 19 year old drunk driver from MA caused the accident. No one was wearing their seat belts. She had two other friends in the car with her. They're ok. But she's not. She's gone and the last time I had checked, she was the last person to say "Happy Birthday" to my husband on his Face.book. DH says he just talked to her the other day. We always saw her at this particular restaurant where she worked. She was well-known and now she's gone. All because someone, who wasn't even old enough to drink, made the stupid decision to drive that night and ended her life. I'm so mad, sad, hurt, and shocked right now. H is a mess, rightfully so, and I'm not sure how I'm going to hold my composure when I see him and/or when I have to attend her funeral. It's going to be horrible.

I cannot imagine losing my sister (or any friend or family member) and like me, he only had one sibling and they were close. I can't imagine what he is feeling right now and I wish I could have gone back in time and seen her and warned her not to get in that car. It's not fair. My sister may piss me off sometimes, but I'm never going to take her for granted again because in an instant, she could be gone. Then I'd be standing in H's shoes wondering "why her? Take me instead". Life is way too precious and this is just a horrible day.

I hope things get better soon, for everyone. We all need that boost. God bless H's family and God bless all of you. Even if you're not highly religious (hell, neither am I) please say a prayer for his family and for his sister.

Rest in Peace E.R. You will be missed so very much.