27.

Yeah, so today is my birthday. Big deal.  27 is a crappy number...it just means 3 more years until 30 and a reminder that it's been almost 7 years of trying (pointlessly) of having a family and 7 years of not seeing my stepson.  Big whoop.

27.  I should have at least 2 kids by now but what do I have? 2 dogs that won't stop beating the crap out of each other and a migraine.  Lucky me.  At least I have an amazing husband who, when we can get a minute alone and away from these pain in the ass dogs, reminds me how awesome our lives are with just the two of us.  Still, it would be even more awesome with a little one in it...and I don't mean another little dog.  Too bad that won't ever happen.


We applied for our fostering license on the Fourth of July.  We have yet to hear back from them and they said we'd hear back in about 7 days.  Seems like any avenue in our lives that has to do with children is a dead end.  Real fair.

So, happy birthday to me...still can't seem to get that birthday present I wish for every year and I just get one year closer to menopause, I suppose, because I'm not getting one year closer to anything else unfortunately.

Oh, whoops...

I re-read my posts from the end of 2010 and realized I didn't update about some things...

First, I did get the car.  I didn't even need anyone to co-sign for me; I only needed my aunt to loan me the money for the sales tax, which she did, and I've paid her back everything I owed her.  Even though I've had to bring it to the mechanic a couple times (under warranty until next December anyway), I love it to death.

My post-op appt last AUGUST (lol, sorry, I'm a little slow)...turns out, I had a mild case of endo like he said, along with PCOS like I suspected but also found out that I have...drumroll please...a blocked left tube.  Are you frikken kidding me? When I did my HSG the first time, I watched the dye go through without issue and now, it won't.  So, I can't make a mature egg because of the PCOS.  If I managed to make a mature egg somehow, it would have to come from my right tube by pure luck.  And if I made a mature egg and it came from my right tube, it would have to implant in a spot not covered by scar tissue.  So, close to impossible I guess.

Let's see...if a woman who has no known fertility issues has 12 chances a year, then let's say a woman with PCOS only has (for shits and giggles) 6 chances a year.  If that same woman with PCOS also has one blocked tube, she probably has 3 chances a year.  Finally, if that same woman with PCOS and one blocked tube also has a mild case of endo, she probably has (you guessed it) 1.5 chances a year.  Too bad I don't think I have even that much.

1.5 chances every 12 months ~if~ conditions are perfect.  You've got to be kidding me, right? Now everyone can wonder why I roll my eyes at them when they say "I know it will happen for you".  It hasn't happened in 6 years, we've gotten nothing closer than a faint line and a rapidly dropping quantitative blood test, so why the HELL would you think it would happen for me, nevermind ~know~? Please, keep the puppies and rainbows instead of shoving them up my ass, ok?  This whole process can kiss my ass for all I care.

Anyway, that's pretty much my update in a (big) nutshell.  Stay tuned for next week's episode when I finally lose it completely and mention IVF to my husband...

Wow.

I haven't posted since September of 2010. Yikes.

In my defense, my computer had been broken for about 3 months at the very least but I finally have it back up and running.  I can't be a very good photographer if I don't have a computer to use to make the necessary edits.

So, what's going on in my life you're wondering? Well, not much of anything.  I'm not sure why, but I've been reading and re-reading through older posts around the time we lost Adam.  I've been looking at the photos of the tests and wondering "why not me"? I don't know where this "journey" is taking me, and I'm not really sure I'm even still on the ride.  I kind of feel like I fell off a long time ago.  I don't even get my hopes up anymore, if I can even bring myself to care enough to test. It doesn't help that my sister-in-law is pregnant with her second child already and they were married a few months after us during the same year.  It's just one salt mound poured in my gaping wounds after another, isn't it?

In other news, I've lost 40 pounds and my husband and I have joined a gym together.  It's actually working out quite nice and it gives us time together while getting in shape....when I can manage to get him to go, that is.  Between work and playing soccer three times a week, he's usually pretty exhausted when we have a free moment to go to the gym.  I can't blame him though, I've been pretty exhausted myself. I'm working on creating a database at work and just had my second interview for a specialist/supervisor position.  I think I have a pretty good chance at getting it, especially since my manager has seen the things my database can do and how OCD I am about getting things to work and look nice.  We'll see I guess.

Sometimes I think, "Great. I've become the 'career woman' instead of the mom I wanted to be".  Not that being a career woman is bad, not at all, and that's not even to say that I wouldn't have a career after kids because I definitely would.  I just mean, my life is focused around my job so much right now and the only reason why it is that way is because I'm absolutely and positively incapable of becoming a mother.  You know how when men get vasectomies, how sometimes they feel like they're losing their "manhood"? Well, being infertile feels like I've lost my "womanhood"; the true essence of being a woman.  I mean, what separates women from men (besides the obvious anatomical features)? The fact that a woman can bear children and a man can't, right? Even still, a man can help ~create~ life at least, even if he can't bring the child into the world.  So where do I fit in? I can't make a child and I can't give birth to a child due to, among other things, my first statement of not being able to make a child.  I feel like I don't fit in anywhere, like I have no place here and no meaning.  I honestly have hit a brick wall and do not know where to turn on this awful 6 year journey to motherhood.  It's a sad feeling, but I've given up. Totally and completely given up. I ~know~ it will never happen.  It's not even a matter of just "thinking" it will never happen anymore.  In my heart of hearts, I know I will never be a mother.

And even though I've truly given up all hope of ever becoming one, the thought of it kills me.  Every. Single. Day.

Madness

I swear, sometimes I think the universe is against me. 

It's CD 42. No AF, no cramping, light tan colored EWCM (which I've NEVER seen before), but no definite BFP.  I say definite because sometimes I think I see a line, and sometimes I don't.  Like here, I'll post a pic of the most recent test I took...

I don't know.  Sometimes I can look at it and say "Hmm, maybe I see a line" and sometimes I look at it and say "No, there is definitely no line".  I think I've lost it.  Oh and just for the record, I really hate the new "Lab strips" Answer came out with.  My personal opinion is they suck but they rope people in by saying you get 5 for $15.  What they fail to mention is the control line is so damn light no matter how long you hold it in the cup and they're tiny and not so easy to see.  Just another reason to make women go crazy....they must be made by men.

Two nights ago, I applied for a pre-approval for a 2008 Jeep Patriot 4x4.  The next morning at 8am, the sales manager is calling me to set up an appointment.  He also emailed me.  So, I emailed him back and told him I wasn't going to be around but that I'd be available tomorrow (today) around 1.  So we set up an appointment so I could go there and take it for a test drive.  The dealership is not in my state; it's about 45 minutes away and although that's not a long time, it's not right around the corner either.  It's definitely not close enough to dick around with some stooge at the dealership.

We get there and the guy who we were supposed to meet isn't there, so some guy with a girl's name (Cheyenne) helps us.  He brings us over to the car, reaches in, and says "Hmmm, it says it's on hold".  I said "Well, it's probably a hold for us because we made an appointment yesterday".  So, he goes and checks to be on the safe side.  He comes back out and says "Yeah.  They sold that car this morning.".  I flipped out.  The douchebag salesman could call me at 8am on a Saturday to have me make an appointment, but he can't call me to tell me the car is sold?? Ass.  So I got bitchy with the salesman and said "Well it would have been nice of him to call me.  I don't live right around the corner from here.".  The salesman proceeds to ask where I'm from and although I tell him, I really wanted to say "It doesn't matter where the hell I live, it was still friggin rude!". 

I started walking back to the car to leave but my husband convinced me to check out other cars on the lot and asked the guy which cars were in the same price range as the other one.  He pointed some out and then pointed towards a silver 2008 Jeep Liberty.  Ok, that works for me.  I have a 2002 Jeep Liberty and although I love it to death, it's getting too old to go the distance I need it to.  So, we take it for a test drive and it runs gorgeously.  We get back and decide, what the hell, let's just see if we can get pre-approved.

Long story short, they would only drop the price by $200 and wouldn't require a down payment.  He said with my credit history, I'd be paying about $310-325 a month. Ha.  I can't afford that but fine, put it through to see if I can be pre-approved.  He said he has seen people in the same exact situation get a quote back from the bank saying they can pay $280-290 a month.  Ok, that's better.  My husband says "It's only an extra $20-40.  You wouldn't pay that if you got the higher rate?".  Ummm, no.  First, it's for 72 months so let's see; even at the lowest difference of $10, that's still $720 more in the long run.  Ultimately, I would like to pay $280 a month even if it's for 72 months.  My aunt said she'd give me the money for the sales tax (which I don't want her to do) and if I have to, I can ask my grandmother to co-sign for me to help me get a better rate.

I filled out the papers and gave him a $100 check to hold the car.  They will process the paperwork tonight and will get back to me tomorrow with the bank's decision.  I know what it will be...denied, as usual.  Then I have to ask someone to co-sign for me AND help me with the sales tax.  I hate car shopping, I just hate it.

So, I'm stuck in limbo with both situations and I hate it.  I wasted all that money on those surgeries for nothing.  It's never going to change my situation and I'm going to be 60 years old still with no kids.  What a sad existence.  People who are murderers, sexually abusive, physically and mentally abusive, downright bad parents can have children but I can't? I know I'm not perfect, but cmon...I can't be worse then a murderer.  I just don't get it. I don't know what to do to correct this or if I even can but I can feel myself losing the desire for a family, not because I don't want one but because I know I will never have one.  So why tease yourself with the notion of something that will never happen? Why not just let go while you still have what little sanity is left? I wish I could, I really do.  Maybe someday my heart will finally give up and will let me break free of infertility's grasp.  For now, I'm its prisoner and it holds me captive every day of my life.

Something has got to change before the madness consumes me whole.

Someone

Someone please tell me how to give up. I mean truly, completely, give up on this stupid fight because I am SO done with all of it.


CD38, no BFP, no AF, and no end in sight.


I want the "want" for a family to go away once and for all. I'm serious. I don't want to think about children every day of my life and I don't want to be envious of every pregnant woman I see and I don't want to do this shit anymore.

"Surgery will help"....my ass. I may have believed it if my cycles were back to normal, whatever the hell that is. The fact is, I don't believe it. I don't believe we'll be pregnant by the end of this year, I don't believe anything can help me, and I don't believe I'll ever have a family.

I've wanted to be a mom all my life but unfortunately, I've also known I never will be...from the very start.

Argh.

I suck. I keep saying I'm going to update this and I always forget. I'm so bad with that. I even turned my PC on today and *still* forgot to update this.

This is going to be the short version of my update and I will give the more detailed one tomorrow. My hubby just got back from visiting his family in Maine and I haven't spent time with him all weekend. I also didn't get much sleep because now that I'm married, it's virtually impossible to sleep an entire night in bed without feeling my husband sleeping next to me. It was like half my heart was missing and it was a very empty feeling. I'm so glad he's home now. :)

Anyway, my followup appt for the surgery was last Tuesday. I waited an hour and a half for my appt because one of his patients went into labor (oh the joy of seeing an OB-Gyn vs. just a Gyn). I finally got in the room, he made sure my incisions were looking good and checked inside quickly to make sure everything was healing and not tender. He said everything looks great. He also wants me to try naturally until December. If after December, we're still not pregnant, he will start me on Clomid again in January. I asked him what percentage of women get pregnant after a laparascopy and he said about 73% within the first three months following and then the percentage goes up slightly to about 80% for the next 6-8 months following. He said he doesn't think I will have a problem at all and he's very optimistic about me conceiving naturally.

I happily sobbed the entire way home. Even though I'm not completely out of the woods just yet, I never thought I would conceive at all, nevermine naturally. I just kept repeating that word over and over to myself. Naturally....naturally...naturally. I couldn't believe that was actually MY appointment. It was though and because he's optimistic, I am now too. It's like I'm beginning my journey all over again but with a lot of knowledge and a whole hell of a lot of humility because I know if I'm lucky enough to conceive naturally that it will be a miracle in my eyes...but one that I will never, ever take for granted. For once, I'm truly happy with my TTC journey. I still get a little jealous of women with babies and who are pregnant, but I feel like this is a new beginning to the start of a new life. Literally. :)

More to come tomorrow....

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