Madness

I swear, sometimes I think the universe is against me. 

It's CD 42. No AF, no cramping, light tan colored EWCM (which I've NEVER seen before), but no definite BFP.  I say definite because sometimes I think I see a line, and sometimes I don't.  Like here, I'll post a pic of the most recent test I took...

I don't know.  Sometimes I can look at it and say "Hmm, maybe I see a line" and sometimes I look at it and say "No, there is definitely no line".  I think I've lost it.  Oh and just for the record, I really hate the new "Lab strips" Answer came out with.  My personal opinion is they suck but they rope people in by saying you get 5 for $15.  What they fail to mention is the control line is so damn light no matter how long you hold it in the cup and they're tiny and not so easy to see.  Just another reason to make women go crazy....they must be made by men.

Two nights ago, I applied for a pre-approval for a 2008 Jeep Patriot 4x4.  The next morning at 8am, the sales manager is calling me to set up an appointment.  He also emailed me.  So, I emailed him back and told him I wasn't going to be around but that I'd be available tomorrow (today) around 1.  So we set up an appointment so I could go there and take it for a test drive.  The dealership is not in my state; it's about 45 minutes away and although that's not a long time, it's not right around the corner either.  It's definitely not close enough to dick around with some stooge at the dealership.

We get there and the guy who we were supposed to meet isn't there, so some guy with a girl's name (Cheyenne) helps us.  He brings us over to the car, reaches in, and says "Hmmm, it says it's on hold".  I said "Well, it's probably a hold for us because we made an appointment yesterday".  So, he goes and checks to be on the safe side.  He comes back out and says "Yeah.  They sold that car this morning.".  I flipped out.  The douchebag salesman could call me at 8am on a Saturday to have me make an appointment, but he can't call me to tell me the car is sold?? Ass.  So I got bitchy with the salesman and said "Well it would have been nice of him to call me.  I don't live right around the corner from here.".  The salesman proceeds to ask where I'm from and although I tell him, I really wanted to say "It doesn't matter where the hell I live, it was still friggin rude!". 

I started walking back to the car to leave but my husband convinced me to check out other cars on the lot and asked the guy which cars were in the same price range as the other one.  He pointed some out and then pointed towards a silver 2008 Jeep Liberty.  Ok, that works for me.  I have a 2002 Jeep Liberty and although I love it to death, it's getting too old to go the distance I need it to.  So, we take it for a test drive and it runs gorgeously.  We get back and decide, what the hell, let's just see if we can get pre-approved.

Long story short, they would only drop the price by $200 and wouldn't require a down payment.  He said with my credit history, I'd be paying about $310-325 a month. Ha.  I can't afford that but fine, put it through to see if I can be pre-approved.  He said he has seen people in the same exact situation get a quote back from the bank saying they can pay $280-290 a month.  Ok, that's better.  My husband says "It's only an extra $20-40.  You wouldn't pay that if you got the higher rate?".  Ummm, no.  First, it's for 72 months so let's see; even at the lowest difference of $10, that's still $720 more in the long run.  Ultimately, I would like to pay $280 a month even if it's for 72 months.  My aunt said she'd give me the money for the sales tax (which I don't want her to do) and if I have to, I can ask my grandmother to co-sign for me to help me get a better rate.

I filled out the papers and gave him a $100 check to hold the car.  They will process the paperwork tonight and will get back to me tomorrow with the bank's decision.  I know what it will be...denied, as usual.  Then I have to ask someone to co-sign for me AND help me with the sales tax.  I hate car shopping, I just hate it.

So, I'm stuck in limbo with both situations and I hate it.  I wasted all that money on those surgeries for nothing.  It's never going to change my situation and I'm going to be 60 years old still with no kids.  What a sad existence.  People who are murderers, sexually abusive, physically and mentally abusive, downright bad parents can have children but I can't? I know I'm not perfect, but cmon...I can't be worse then a murderer.  I just don't get it. I don't know what to do to correct this or if I even can but I can feel myself losing the desire for a family, not because I don't want one but because I know I will never have one.  So why tease yourself with the notion of something that will never happen? Why not just let go while you still have what little sanity is left? I wish I could, I really do.  Maybe someday my heart will finally give up and will let me break free of infertility's grasp.  For now, I'm its prisoner and it holds me captive every day of my life.

Something has got to change before the madness consumes me whole.

Someone

Someone please tell me how to give up. I mean truly, completely, give up on this stupid fight because I am SO done with all of it.


CD38, no BFP, no AF, and no end in sight.


I want the "want" for a family to go away once and for all. I'm serious. I don't want to think about children every day of my life and I don't want to be envious of every pregnant woman I see and I don't want to do this shit anymore.

"Surgery will help"....my ass. I may have believed it if my cycles were back to normal, whatever the hell that is. The fact is, I don't believe it. I don't believe we'll be pregnant by the end of this year, I don't believe anything can help me, and I don't believe I'll ever have a family.

I've wanted to be a mom all my life but unfortunately, I've also known I never will be...from the very start.

Argh.

I suck. I keep saying I'm going to update this and I always forget. I'm so bad with that. I even turned my PC on today and *still* forgot to update this.

This is going to be the short version of my update and I will give the more detailed one tomorrow. My hubby just got back from visiting his family in Maine and I haven't spent time with him all weekend. I also didn't get much sleep because now that I'm married, it's virtually impossible to sleep an entire night in bed without feeling my husband sleeping next to me. It was like half my heart was missing and it was a very empty feeling. I'm so glad he's home now. :)

Anyway, my followup appt for the surgery was last Tuesday. I waited an hour and a half for my appt because one of his patients went into labor (oh the joy of seeing an OB-Gyn vs. just a Gyn). I finally got in the room, he made sure my incisions were looking good and checked inside quickly to make sure everything was healing and not tender. He said everything looks great. He also wants me to try naturally until December. If after December, we're still not pregnant, he will start me on Clomid again in January. I asked him what percentage of women get pregnant after a laparascopy and he said about 73% within the first three months following and then the percentage goes up slightly to about 80% for the next 6-8 months following. He said he doesn't think I will have a problem at all and he's very optimistic about me conceiving naturally.

I happily sobbed the entire way home. Even though I'm not completely out of the woods just yet, I never thought I would conceive at all, nevermine naturally. I just kept repeating that word over and over to myself. Naturally....naturally...naturally. I couldn't believe that was actually MY appointment. It was though and because he's optimistic, I am now too. It's like I'm beginning my journey all over again but with a lot of knowledge and a whole hell of a lot of humility because I know if I'm lucky enough to conceive naturally that it will be a miracle in my eyes...but one that I will never, ever take for granted. For once, I'm truly happy with my TTC journey. I still get a little jealous of women with babies and who are pregnant, but I feel like this is a new beginning to the start of a new life. Literally. :)

More to come tomorrow....

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Surgery details.

I know I'm slow with updating this thing. This week did not start off well, with my car being a piece of junk and all. We're in the market for a new car (well not really, but we need one at this point) because hubby needs mine for work. So, we're car shopping. Yuck. Part of it is exciting; picturing myself driving a new vehicle with new buttons, no problems, and that "new car" smell. The other part is not so exciting; not knowing whether I'll be approved for a loan or not, the hike in insurance, the registration process, and oh yeah...the car payments. It has to be done though.

**Update: my dad just told me my radiator is done for. Mind you, this is a radiator I JUST replaced in December 2008. Not even two years old!! So, now I need to figure out how I'm going to pay for a new radiator and how I'm getting to work for the rest of the week. Awesomeness.


Anyways, onto the surgery details. Well, there isn't much to tell at this point but I will tell you what I know as of right now. I was expecting him to say he didn't find anything abnormal. Why would I think that though? Obviously something is "abnormal" or I would have kids already. I was too groggy to understand him when he was explaining it to me while I was still trying to wake the hell up from the anesthesia, but he told my mom too so she explained it the next day.

She said he found a mild case of endometriosis but he removed it. He said I also had a few small cysts on my left ovary, but he removed those as well and didn't think there would be any long term effects from them. He said my HSG was ok and my tubes are clear. That's pretty much all he found. It was certainly a different diagnosis then I had expected. I expected he would at least go back to his original thought of mild PCOS. I certainly didn't think he would say endometriosis, that's for sure.

They did a biopsy to make sure and a few days later, the nurse called to confirm that it was endometriosis. He was quite confident that it was only a mild case, however. I did some research and most websites say the next 6-9 months after a laparascopy is the most fertile time and that something like 80% of women with no other issues got pregnant. Who's to say I don't have other issues, though? I have a follow up appointment on Aug. 24th, so I guess we'll find out then.

So, that's about it. My incisions are pretty much all healed, although I'm still wearing a bandaid on the one at my waistline so my pants don't irritate it. AF was around for like 6 days, but it's gone now and I feel back to my regular old self....mostly.


I will leave you with something funny, yet stupid that I did yesterday. Trust me, if I weren't so furious with my car and my shit luck yesterday, I would never have done this. I may be a natural blonde, but I'm not (usually) a ditz.

Yesterday was when my car first starting giving me problems. I left for work but I could hear my car making a weird noise. There wasn't much I could do though; I had to go to work. I didn't get all of 10 minutes from my house and my tempreture gauge started going over the half point. Not a good sign. I called my dad, who in turn called my husband because my dad had to open the shop he works at and wouldn't be able to come help me.

I had stopped at a gas station before the highway because I needed gas anyway. I turned the car off and it started billowing smoke. Of course, I already knew something was wrong but a couple of dumbass landscapers decided they would point at the smoke as if I couldn't see it with my own two eyes. Morons. Anyway, after I pumped gas, I pulled my car towards the back of the gas station and waited for my husband to get there. While I was waiting, I got out and opened the hood to let the coolant tank ~cool~ down. While I was at it, I remembered my washer fluid was low and every time I got in the car and started it up, it would beep twice at me. Two looooooong, annoying beeps. I remembered I had some washer fluid in my back seat so I grabbed the bottle, opened the washer fluid tank, and poured in the liquid. I filled it all the way up and when I got in and turned the car on later, the annoying beeping had stopped.

On my way home from work yesterday, I pulled the washer fluid lever to clean my windsheild. It was pretty hot yesterday, so immediately the windsheild started to streak. They were pretty nasty streaks though and they wouldn't go away. I vowed right then that I would never by THAT brand again.

Fast forward to a few hours ago. My dad and my husband are outside trying to figure out what's wrong with my friggin car. I was telling them how my car started to smoke again this morning when I stopped for a coffee. Here is how the conversation went between my husband and I about it (for typing sake, "D" is my husband.):

Me -- "I stopped for a coffee, turned the car off, and it started smoking again. I didn't even care, even though people were staring yet again."
D -- "Is that why your windsheild is so streaky?"
Me -- "What? No. It's just really shitty windsheild washer fluid."
D -- "I think that's antifreeze."
Me -- "It's NOT antifreeze. It's leaking, it's not spraying all over the windsheild, hun."
D -- "What washer fluid did you use?"
Me -- "The one in the back seat."
********Husband opens door and grabs the bottle full of blue liquid*******
D -- "You mean this bottle?"
Me -- "Ugh, yeah, it's washer fluid."
D -- "No it's not. It's car wash."


Yep. I put frikken car wash in my washer fluid tank. Brilliant. So, on top of having to buy a new radiator, I now also have to flush the washer fluid tank out....and before anyone else realizes what a dumbass move I pulled. On a brighter note, I don't think my dad, my husband, or I have ever laughed so hard in our lives. Feel free to laugh too...it IS pretty funny, after all. :)

Sorry.

I've been so busy lately, I haven't even turned my computer on at all. As a matter of fact, my desk is just a "thing" collector right now since I come home from work, do some schoolwork and go to bed. Bleh...how boring.

Anyway, I haven't had the surgery yet but it's set for July 14th. I went for my blood-work on Thursday morning and they tested thyroids, CBCs, and I took a urine pregnancy test. Negative. Heh, big surprise.

As a side note, I had been praying that it would come out positive so that I didn't have to have the surgery. I'm not worried about the surgery itself, I'm more worried about the bill I'm going to receive afterward. I'm afraid it's going to be more money down the drain so that they can say "We're not sure what's wrong but we think you're not ovulating". Yeah, great, I already knew that geniuses.

They didn't call me with any bad results on the bloodwork and since I've taken my own tests and they've been negative, I assume theirs was too. So I'm set for surgery at 8am on the 14th. I have to be there about an hour and a half before and I'll be there for about 3-4 hours total. Then I can go home and sleep and have the next two days off work (thanks to vacation time). So, I have a five day weekend in about 10 days and surprise!...the 18th is my 26th birthday. Great birthday present, don't you think? I mean, it totally beats getting a positive pregnancy test, right?

Ugh.

Depending on what they discover from the surgery, I'm thinking we won't go the IUI route. In my heart, I know the problem is that I don't ovulate. If he is only giving me Clo.mid to ovulate and it doesn't work, what is the point of an IUI? You have to have an egg to inseminate and if there is no egg, then it's just wasted money. I'm not going directly to IVF, I know that for sure. I think I'll either try a few rounds of Clo.mid or go to injectables, which was also an option. I don't know, but the more and more I think about it, the more I realize that IUIs may be kind of useless, especially since the issue is with not ovulating; not on DH's side.

My aunt told me today that I'm going to have a girl. I wanted to laugh because I wanted to say "How will I have a girl if they can't even figure out what's wrong in the past 6 years?". It's almost humorous at this point. I know by body better than anyone and I just don't think I'm ever going to be a mom. It breaks my heart, but what can I do? There is only so much that I can afford and I'm not going to make us go bankrupt for something that may never happen. I have and will sacrifice a lot of things...but shelter, food, and the health of DH and I? Never.

Speaking of the health of DH, he broke his collarbone two Thursdays ago playing soccer. He collided with another player and the guy must have had his elbow out and hit DH just right. DH kept playing through the entire game but was hurting pretty badly afterward. He waited and waited thinking he just bruised the muscle, which I must admit, I thought that too. Well, finally I made him go to the ER yesterday morning and the results weren't great.

They took him for an x-ray and then returned him to the room. He sat there, still in pain, and said he didn't think it was fractured. He was trying to convince himself that it was just a bruised muscle. That is until the doctor came in. The doctor took one look at him and said "Well...you broke your clavicle. And pretty badly at that." I just shook my head. I had a feeling it was going to be worse than we originally thought. The doctor said it's already started healing and that he can't play sports for 6 weeks. I told him soccer is done for quite a while. About a month prior to this, he hurt his knee and had to miss two games. I told him it's time to face it; he's not as young as he used to be and he needs to take it easy. I know it's something he loves to do, but at almost 32, playing soccer twice a week takes a toll on your body. Hell, it can take a lot out of a 12 year old! I don't think that 32 is old at all, but he needs to start playing in leagues with people his own age. The kids he plays with are younger than him and play rougher and he doesn't play like he used to be able to play in college.

So, he has to use a sling on and off throughout the day and has pain meds to take if he needs them. Sleeping is the toughest on him right now but I think it's getting better. We'll see.

Oh, and I saw my first Red Sox game at Fenway last night. About a month and a half ago, we had a contest at work to take the best department group picture. Well my manager, knowing I'm a photographer, asked if I would take the picture. So I did and uploaded it onto my computer. I realized that there was a trashcan in the way and a piece of hair was going over one of the girls faces and made her look like she was making a weird face. For the next 3 hours, I worked pretty intently on removing the trashcan from the picture and fixing the girls face. Well, the picture came out pretty good if I do say so myself and apparently my manager entered it into the contest. At first I didn't think we won, but earlier this week, she told us we had won 14 tickets to the Red Sox game so she was going to give 7 people two tickets each. We would have to tell her who wanted to go to the game and then we'd put our names in a hat and she'd pick 7 of us. I was kind of pissed at this because I took the damn picture, broke my tripod that day, and worked my ass off to make that picture better. In my opinion, I should have gotten two tickets just for doing that but I entered my name anyway. Well, it turned out that my name was picked second so I got two tickets. DH and I drove to Boston and watched the Red Sox mop the floor with the Orioles. It was a good time and an experience I didn't think would be quite as awesome as it actually was. The seats are tough on your back because they're wooden but damn...it was good times. I have plenty of pictures and will post some soon.

Phew, ok, I'll shut up now. Nancy, thank you for reminding me to make a new post and I'm sorry it took a month! LOL I'll try to post more often and I will most definitely keep you updated on the surgery and what comes next for us in this unbelievably long TTC battle.

Night ya'll! <3

Help? Please?

I know a few of you who are reading (I'm pretty sure there are only a few TOTAL that even read, LOL) have had IUIs. After the laparoscopy, given nothing goes wrong or needs fixing, we have the choice of Clo.mid or Clo.mid and IUI. What can I expect as far as the procedure for the IUI? How about costs out of pocket? Anything else I should expect?

My surgery is gonna be pretty pricey. Not so much for me (well, yeah, a little) but for the insurance company. The doctor alone charges a total of $2350 just to do the surgery and that doesn't include hospital fees, anethesia fees, and related bloodwork. Hopefully though, I only have to pay my deductible which is $750 and they can bill me for that. It's another Dr's bill I do not want but hopefully it's for a good cause. The best part? My insurance covers up to $10,000 for infertility which includes IUIs and IVF. Wow.

So, any ideas? Suggestions? Advice? Thank you in advance. :)

You learn something new every day.

So, it turns out I'm allergic to cherries. Awesome.

For about the last year or so, every time I would eat cherries, my throat, mouth, ears, and glands would itch like a bastard. I thought it was possibly just pesticides or something, so I just laid off how many I ate. It didn't stop. Same thing would happen when I ate peaches, but never when I ate apples, grapes, bananas or any other fruit.

Tonight, my aunt brought over cherries soaked in vodka. She left about 6 of them on the table and no one was eating them so I decided to give them a whirl.

Bad idea.

Almost instantly, my throat and ears and neck started to itch badly. Since this was probably about the fifth time it happened and I figured the vodka would probably kill any pesticides on the fruit, I decided to goo.gle allergies to cherries. Although I am not severely allergic to them to the point of vomiting and not being able to breathe, I do have what is called OAS or Oral Allergy Syndrome. It says if you're allergic to cherries, you may also be allergic to peaches and/or birch. Yeah, I'm not sure who is going around eating birch, but I don't think I have to worry about that one.

It listed the same symptoms I get exactly so it's kind of hard to deny. I guess I'll just stay away from cherries for a long time. Damn. :(

* * * * * *

I got my paperwork in the mail for the surgery today. My appointment is July 14th at 8am. I'm having a pelvic laparoscopy with an HSG again. Fabulous. Of course, I'm not worried about surgery. What I'm really worried about is having to pay anything out of pocket for this. I really hope my insurance covers it because I can't afford to take on another huge doctor's bill. My insurance covered the other surgery I had a few years ago and I have the same insurance now so I'm guessing they will at least cover most of it. I'm going to call them just to be sure though.

I'll be out of work for 1-2 days which means if I'm not totally healed by that Friday, I'll have a 5 day weekend. A 5 day *birthday* weekend that is, so that totally sucks. I really hope this does something or at least gives us answers because 6 fucking years of this shit is more than enough. I'm well past being sick of it; I'm completely fed up. If he doesn't find anything wrong and gives me the option of Clo.mid or Clo.mid and IUI, I'll most likely do the C and IUI but since I don't think insurance will cover most or all of it, I will only be able to do so many rounds. After that, I'll just take it as a sign that it wasn't meant to be. I can't afford IVF and if I can't afford IVF, I can't afford adoption. I don't want to go either of those routes anyway but it pretty much stops at IUIs.

I feel like a dying dog on his last leg and hoping that a cat will saunter by and give me one of it's nine lives. I'm hoping for a chance in hell.

Do you like getting presents early?

Yeah me too...usually. I do not however, want the present I'm going to get in the beginning of July; a few weeks before my birthday. Wanna know what it is?

Laparoscopy.


Yep. Surgery that will leave me with 3 or 4 holes in my tummy and doesn't get me a step closer to conceiving, only one step closer to figuring out what the fuck is wrong with my body. After that, he suggests more Clo.mid but if I want to, we can do Clo.mid with IUI. Ugh. I always hoped I wouldn't have to get this far. I never wanted to hear the words IUI and the fact of the matter is, it's so close I can taste it. Nevermind that he put me on Pro.vera today so my 15 day long period can stop...and then start again. Fun. Stupid body.

Oh and what else did I do today? Yep, got a tooth filled. About 2 hours after my appointment at the doctor's, which I forgot to mention was just lovely. The nurse asked me if I was spotting or had a normal flow and I said "light". She said "Oh, well he can still do the pap smear then". Fan-frikkin-tastic. It was gross as hell and I was so afraid I would be a nasty mess for my dentist appointment. Luckily, it seemed to be ok but I was NOT looking forward to getting a tooth filled.

It took two shots of novacaine and another shot of a novacaine mixture. Whatever was in the third mix really kicked my ass...and is still kicking my ass. It made me incredibly tired and I literally could have fallen asleep during the drilling. Who can do that? I was about two seconds away from doing it, that's all I know. As soon as it started, it was over. That was the quickest tooth filling I've ever had and it's no surprise because feeling the tooth now, it doesn't even feel like he filled the entire tooth.

Whatever, I'm too tired mentally and physically to give a crap. I'm so tired, I'm not even thinking twice about wearing my hair curly tomorrow. Frig straightening my hair...it's over-rated anyways.

It's official.

I'm going to write a book. Do you know what you need to write a book? Yep. A topic. No I do not know how I'm going to write a book without a topic but not because I don't have one. I have too many. I mean, I could write about photography, infertility, being from the smallest town in the smallest state in the US, aspirations of being a ridiculously successful fashion photographer (heh), and many, many other things. Or all of those things rolled into one.

Like I said to my husband last night though; who the hell is going to want to read MY book? I bought Tori Spelling's book "sTori Telling" and I know what you're thinking..."Oh yeah, that sounds reallllll interesting" but seriously, it's a really good read. I've been watching her show for a little while now and I have genuinely fallen in love with her family. She seems so down to earth and able to laugh at herself and unlike so many Hollywood parents, actually seems to have a real interest and hand in her children's upbringing. She has seriously inspired me to just go for it and write a book already since I've talked about it for years, but never really put more thought into it. Unlike her though, I'm not famous and my name isn't already out there. So, what do I do?

Any suggestions?

I may have jumped the gun a bit

So, I woke up crabby yesterday as you can tell because my allergies were just about killing me, I thought AF was here (more on that in a minute), and I kept reading everyone's posts on Face.Book about Mother's Day. As the day went on though, I realized that things really weren't that bad.

I completely thought AF started. I have been spotting since Friday and I'm still spotting today but less than before. Not dark red, although sometimes pink. No cramps but I do have sore boobies. I'm not sure what my body is doing right now but I'm not thinking too much into it. Whatever it decides to do is fine by me. I'm not even going to worry about it. I have an appointment on the 25th with my OB and I'm going to ask him what the next steps are. Do I take more Clo.mid? Do I start IUIs? Do I have to go more drastic? Whatever it takes, I'm going to do. Enough is enough. I'm going to be proactive. If I'm not going to go get what I want, then I shouldn't be sitting around whining about it either. So instead, I'm going to go get what I want.

Back to yesterday...I got up at about 9 because DH didn't wake me up in time to go to breakfast before his soccer game. So, we got dressed and headed to soccer. Thankfully it was playoffs so we were only there for 30 minutes because they lost. Stinks for them, but good for me. We stopped and bought my mom some gorgeous purple hanging flowers and stopped to get strawberries and chocolate chips. I went home and made a red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting and...*drumroll please*...chocolate covered strawberries on top. Yummmm! My aunt, sister, and her boyfriend came over and the cake was literally devoured in 10 minutes. I knew I should have taken a picture of it before we ravaged it. It was pretty though and damn good, too. My mom had a great day and we all spent time together. Ultimately, it turned out to be a really nice day especially since it's the first really sunny day we've had in a week.

My husband got the mail that we had gotten on Saturday, but forgot to take out of the mailbox. My cousin in At.lant.a sent me a Mother's Day card. She's always been more like a sister than a cousin to me and knows what DH and I have been going through. She doesn't know it yet, but we've always said that if we are ever blessed with a child, we're going to ask her to be our first born's godmother. What she wrote in the card just validates why we want her to be the godmother:

"Even though you haven't yet been blessed with a child of your own, doesn't mean your day won't come. You will make an amazing mother someday and when you do, your child will be so lucky. And just because you don't yet see A (stepson) like you should, doesn't make you any less of a mother. You have so much love to give to a baby and I can't wait for your day to come. I hope you enjoy Mother's Day because this day is as much for you as it is for any other mom out there. I miss you and I'll see you soon."

I can't even type that without blinking through tears. When I opened the card and read that yesterday, I had to stop because I was literally sobbing. It was so heartfelt and touching and there was just no way I could have a bad day after reading that. I'm really glad I'm related to her because she's not only my cousin, she's my sister and one of my best friends. She's coming up here on the 22nd and I can't wait! I think we'll take her to lunch. :)

Needless to say, it was a really good day and a really good weekend. I dyed my hair again last night, LOL. Turns out deep burgundy *IS* darker than regular burgundy. So, it looks like I have the darkest color brownish red you can get before black...and I kinda like it. I swear I heard "I really like your hair that color" about 20 times today at work. I guess that's a good thing. Pictures to come soon, I promise.

Anyway, to make up for yesterday's "poor me" post...I just wanted to say a belated Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's who read here. Your children are so incredibly lucky to have you as their moms and I'm so incredibly lucky to call you friends. Your words, thoughts, and friendship mean more to me than you'll ever know or I'll ever be able to express. You all have a special place in my heart.

<3

Happy Mothers Day

This is obviously not my favorite holiday by any means but Happy Mothers Day to anyone who is a mother to an actual human, instead of a dog, like me. I don't want to be wished a happy mothers day today because a dog doesn't count, to me anyways. I got a gift today though because the universe loves me so much (eyeroll)....yup, good morning AF. Gosh, how thoughtful.

For your entertainment.

This post initially was going to be something different, but instead, I'm just going to post a whole slew of pictures I've taken from all over the place. My days normally don't go the way I want them to nor do the weeks, months or years, but the one thing that will always go right for me is photography. I fully believe photography has endless possibilities. You can take pictures of anything and everything and even if you take a picture of the same thing 4 or 5 times, it's not going to look exactly the same in every picture. It's my passion, my hobby, my boredom and time killer and eventually one day, my career. Without further ado, I present the pictures for your entertainment...













If you want to see more pictures, email me at mrsdrink318@yahoo.com and I'll give you the link to my website and/or to my Fa.ce.bo.ok. :)

Christ, why do I do this to myself?

I go into this battle with myself every month and my brain says "Hey, you could be pregnant" but my heart says "You definitely aren't". My heart usually wins, except that one time in October of last year. The whole thing is completely ridiculous. I take the stupid test, I know it's going to be negative, it turns out negative, I take a picture of it and stare at it endlessly anyway, all the while knowing what I'm doing is absurd.

I'm definitely not using blue dye tests ever again. I wish I could listen to my heart for once and not test ever again and give up this stupid bullshit, but of course, my brain is louder then my heart. I honestly do not know why I even bother anymore. Besides stupidity, what the hell would make someone want to put themselves through this month after month, knowing full well what the outcome is going to be? I hate it. I hate trying, I hate negative tests, I hate not having ONE friend or family member who isn't pregnant or has had kids (not hate "them", I hate the notion that I'm the only one without kids), and most of all, I hate myself for letting my brain fool my heart once again into thinking I ever had a fighting chance.

I found pictures of the test from the miscarriage today. I want to cry, I want to be angry, I want to scream. Yet, I can do nothing but stare at it. My one and only shot that I've ever had and probably will ever have again was taken away as quickly as it came. I told myself the other day that I would not post pictures of the test at all because 1) I knew it was just a fluke and 2) because it could turn out the way the miscarriage did. In heartbreak. Yet for some reason, I posted it anyways. The worst part is, I would have already known what sex the baby was going to be. I would have already had his or her room underway. I would have already been out of my mind excited. I would have been due in about 7 weeks.

I can't even begin to explain how empty and lonely I feel right now. I can't describe what I would do or what I would give to feel pregnant, even for a day. I can't put into words how badly my heart hurts. Knowing you will never be a mother is not only the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with but the worst. My ex cheated on me for the entire 4 years we were together, lied to me all the time, married the girl he cheated on me with, and called our wedding off months before it was supposed to happen. You know what? This feeling is worse. I thought I would never get over what he did to me, but I did. I honestly do not think I will ever get over this whole ordeal. It's taken too big of a toll on my heart and my life and my pocket. I will always be bitter towards the universe for dealing me a shitty hand and not giving me even one ounce of good luck. I will always feel incredibly lonely when I think of how wonderful it must feel to be a mom.

You know what's really crazy? DH got a $2 raise today, his boss said he'd help us put a down payment on a car, we have money in the bank AFTER our bills are paid, my boss told me how "awesome" of a job I've been doing, and I had a wonderful day at work. Do you think I can be happy about any of those things? Nope. No matter how hard I try, none of those seem to put a smile on my face because my heart is hurting too much right now.

I can honestly say I do not know what I was put on this earth for. I don't know what my purpose in life is but it's obviously not to be a parent. I feel completely, utterly, incredibly useless. It's probably not going to stop any time soon, either.

Ummm....huh???

Yeah, I don't know how this happened either. This is a picture of it tonight. I took it this morning. But it's looked like this since the moment the dye ran across it. I don't get it. I only put it in negative because it's light. See, I haven't had AF since February 26th. I tested a few weeks ago when I thought AF might come and the test was stark white. *Blinding* white. I take this one this morning and immediately as the dye runs across the test, I can see the line appearing. It's been there all day, hasn't faded. I took the stupid thing because I was spotting the smallest amount of tan ever...kind of like a few days after AF is done. Normally by now, AF would be here full force. But no cramping, no aching, no nothing. Just this, a lot of CM (sorry), hungry as hell, and tired like I've never been before. That's it. Nothing out of the ordinary for me. I'm stumped. (P.S. You'll probably have to click on it to see it better. I don't know why, but I can't get my hopes up about this. Thank you IF.)
Oh, did I mention that I've now looked up every positive blue dye test on the internet and a lot of people have had false positives with them? Of course, I already knew this but boy...what a bummer. :( Then I think, what if it's another chemical? God, I couldn't go through that again, I just couldn't. It hurt the first time but it will kill me a second time. Of course I want this to end up being for real, but I know better. Ugh. I hate knowing better.

An Irish girl with the worst luck.

Yep. That's me.

I swear, if something has a chance of going wrong for me, it does. I went to get my taxes done thinking I was going to get a pretty nice refund. We had plans to pay some bills, get groceries, maybe even splurge a little and get me the two little tattoos on my wrists I wanted. Instead, I sat in the tax place for an hour going over the numbers just to find out that I actually OWE $555 to the IRS because not enough came out of my check in 2009.

Not only do I owe that money to the IRS, but I also owe $167 to the tax place for filing my taxes and they won't file the paperwork until I pay the balance. My savings account pretty much has cobwebs in it so where did they want me to get the money from?

The tax guy tells me I can make payments on the one to the IRS monthly which would help me out. I get semi-good news just to find out that yes, you can make monthly payments but there is money due up front (which is NOT applied to the balance; it's only for the "convenience" of letting you pay in installments. *eyeroll*) and that you will gain interest every month, starting at 25%.

Figures.

Now, in 2006, that bitch my stepson calls mom got our entire tax refund. It was our first year married and we filed jointly in 2007 for the very first time. We were excited to do so and we were even more excited to find out we were getting about $800 back at a time we so desperately needed it. Instead of getting a check from the government, we got a notice that our refund was divided between my husband's student loans and back child support. Even my half.

I told the tax guy about it last year and he said he could get it back for me if I could find my 2006 tax returns. Of course, I couldn't. BUT, this year...I did. So I brought him the paperwork and he researched it. I should be getting approximately $300-400 back. Great!


Ha. Did you really think it would end there? Riiiiiight. Turns out, after I file the paperwork for the 2006 refund to get my portion back, it takes about 6-12 weeks to get a check in. If I file the taxes for 2009 at the SAME time as the paperwork for 2006, my refund check won't get here until at least 5 weeks after the deadline for paying the total in full to the IRS.

Awesome.

So, now I'm forced to ask my aunt to borrow the money after she already wrote me a check for the $167 for the tax place. She said she wasn't loaning me that money, she was giving it to me. I didn't want her to but she insisted. This money is only going to be a loan until I get my check in but I still feel like shit asking for money.

It seems my bad luck never ends. I've tried having a more positive attitude about things and although life shits on me time and time again, I always get up and brush it off and move on stronger and wiser because of it. The truth is though, life is not good. Life is just "okay" until the next bad thing happens...and it will. Can you name one person who has had a GREAT life, no problems, no worries, no stress, beginning to end? Of course you can't. That's because there is always bad news or something waiting to ruin our day right around the corner. I never anticipate these things because I don't want to dwell on the negative, but they are drawn to me.

If it CAN go wrong, it WILL go wrong.

I just wish things would change for once. We've dealt with not seeing my stepson. We've dealt with not seeing my cousins. We've dealt with my sister-in-law and dumbass uncle's wife having children before us. We've dealt with our only chance at a pregnancy but ended in miscarriage anyway. We've dealt with the fact that we probably will never be parents. We've dealt with the reality that we probably will never be wealthy or well off.

I just want some light at the end of the tunnel because right now, it's pitch black and we're trying so very hard to find our way out. I just wish that whatever powers there are in this universe would hear our prayers for once. Just once. I just want to ENJOY my life. I don't want to die some day with regret. I want to know that I lived my life to the fullest and that it was a GREAT life; at least great as great can get on this planet.

Universe? Please just hear me this once. Please.

Drumroll please....

Are you ready?
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No seriously, are you ready?
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I don't think you're ready....
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Ok, I think you're ready...
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AF is here. :( Fuck my life. (Did you REALLY think this was going to be a BFP post?)

*sigh*

So, this was our last chance at parenthood since we have no more refills of Clo.mid and we sure as hell aren't getting pregnant without help, that's for sure. Now all I have to look forward to is months of Adderall (sp?) to hopefully lose the extra weight. I don't even know that my doctor is going to prescribe me more Clo.mid when I go back to see him. He may just say "Nope, no more. Here's an RE's number."

Negative tests for approximately a week now, even though friggin Web.MD says I can't test until Monday. Bullshit. I've been doing this long enough now to know that I should have gotten a positive test (even a faint one) if I were even remotely pregnant. I don't even have any symptoms. Yet, no one seems to believe me when I say we just aren't going to ever be parents. They just keep feeding false hope. Good thing I know the truth or it could really screw with a girl.

So, as soon as AF decides to show her ugly ass face, this cycle will be over. And quite possibly, our whole TTC "career". Damn. That really sucks. I really thought higher powers would take pity on me and realize that this is my only chance left to be a mom for quite a while...or forever. Guess they don't care. Guess I'm not worth it. Guess I was right all along.

Shit. This feels pretty crappy.

It's hair straightening night.

So I don't have a lot of time to post what I want since straightening my hair takes FOREVER. It's short but it still takes like 1-2 hours. It's the worst night of the week, LOL. So instead, I'll just post the highlights.

1. I was asked to handle an acquistion at work which means more responsibility and being the case manager for an entire new portion of the company. It's a lot to handle but I'm so excited to do it. I'm also hoping it comes with a nice raise next month. *wink wink*
2. My husband is currently working on a job for a hospital owned and ran by the state. He installs alarms, security cameras, etc and they want $350,000 worth of equipment. Since my husband is the salesman for the company, he makes a commission usually of about 15%. Even if he gets 10% of this job, his bonus will be $35,000! I'm not counting on it, but it sure would be nice. We could definitely use the money to get ahead for sure. I could pay off bills, pay my mom back, pay off back child support, pay for a good lawyer, pay for fertility treatments, a new car, and use the rest to redo the kitchen and basement the way we want. And hopefully still have money to put in the bank afterwards. But like I said, I'm not counting on it.
3. I read an article in the local paper about how awful family court is and how unfair it is to the parent who wants to be in their child's life. So I wrote to the editor and told him my story. He contacted me back this morning and wanted my number so he could do a story on us. I'm stoked! The girl in the article I read was lucky enough to get the Chief Justice to represent her case, which is what I'm hoping for. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
4. I'm pretty sure I saw a shadow of a small child in my bedroom last night. I thought it was a shadow of something explainable but then it moved and disappeared. I was a little freaked out but what kind of paranormal investigator would I be if I screamed like a little girl? Instead, I just closed my eyes tight and hid my head in hubby's chest. LOL
5. I'm having good feelings about this cycle. DH and I have been really close lately and I'm loving it. We're spending time together and we've really timed baby making pretty nicely. Now I'm just praying for the final outcome.
6. I know I probably shouldn't post this, but earlier last week my sister confided in me that she might be pregnant. She's 19 and only been with her boyfriend for 2 months and neither of them have a good job or money to fall back on. Turns out she wasn't pregnant but her cycles are really off. I just told her today that she could have PCOS like I do because my issues started at the same age she is now. I'm hoping she doesn't have PCOS but I'm also really glad she's not pregnant.
7. I CANNOT wait until Alice in Wonderland comes out in the movies with Johnny Depp! I love the cartoon and the movie looks so wickedly crazy! Speaking of crazy, I also want to see the movie The Crazies and I have still yet to see Avatar.

Hmm, I think that's about it. I should get to my hair now or I'm going to work looking like Carrot Top tomorrow. Yikes. O_O

Day 3...still doing well.

So day 3 of my meds and I'm still doing well. I've lost 10lbs and I'm not attributing that to the meds since I haven't been on them long and I started losing that before I took them. I've been forcing myself to eat more throughout the day instead of the three big meals of the day. Surprisingly enough, it actually worked.

I have a bagel with strawberry yogurt cream cheese for breakfast, then a low-fat pudding cup halfway between breakfast and lunch, then lunch, another pudding cup and dinner when I get home. I couldn't believe it when I stepped on the scale and saw that I had lost 10lbs. It does wonders for my confidence and the most I lose, the better I'm going to feel. I've had a big issue with feeling sexy around my husband lately and I think this is going to help tremendously.

I think (or at least I HOPE) it'll help with fertility too. I finished my clomid yesterday so I'm just waiting to see if my body will cooperate with me. This was my last refill before I have to call the Dr for more (granted he actually gives me more and doesn't just refer me to an RE) so hopefully I won't have to call the Dr for more refills.

Anyways, I have to go get ready. Hubby suggested antique shopping until he sat down in front of the TV so I must lure him away with promises of D&D coffee. LOL. Have a great day all!

I'm here, I'm fine,

Not that anyone cares. No Jenn, I know you do. I'm pretty sure you're the only one who cares but that's fine by me. :)

Actually things have been well, not bad. There have been a few hiccups lately but otherwise, I'm good. The little things that make me happy; AF stuck around for 5 and only 5 days and I have a completely normal 34 day cycle. Now I'm on a new one and tomorrow will be day 5 of Clomid again. It's my last refill before I have to call for more so keep your fingers crossed for me, won't you?

If not, I guess it'll be ok. I'm on a new medication to help me concentrate and it's also prescribed for weight loss. So, two birds, one large stone. Maybe once I'm back down to the weight I want to be, it'll just "happen" like it does to so many. Ya think? Yeah, probably not, lol. Anyway, the meds are complimenting the anxiety pills I'm on now pretty well and it almost helps me to calm right down. Almost immediately. Now I can see why the caution on the label says "risk of dependance: high". No worries, that's not me.

I know I shouldn't talk about it here but I feel I must. She knows this is how I feel since I just sent her an email saying so, LOL. I know this blog is a lot about "i hate pregnant women" this and "i hate pregnant women" that but I want her to know and everyone else to know, it's not directed at any of you. Am I completely and utterly jealous of her? Absolutely. Do I wish I was in her shoes right now? Completely. Do I hate her because she has what I want so badly? Never. I love her and I wish she'd tell me what I did wrong so that I can apologize and explain that it was never my intention. But, maybe I just did. I hate the distance between us. <3 You know who you are.

Well, I'm gonna go curl up next to my wonderful husband and go to sleep happy. It hasn't happened in a long time so I'm going to take full advantage of it. Happy...hmm. What a concept. I think I like it. :)

F.M.L.

Let's see what the score is, shall we?

Drafts of heated emails to send to my sister-in-law: 2

Symptoms I've imagined: 25

Number of panic attacks I've had in the last week: 3

Price of repairs done to my car just this week: $1125.25

Amount of stupid fucking gay ass bullshit pregnancy tests I've taken: 30

Amount of stupid fucking gay ass bullshit negative tests I've gotten: 30

Number of miscarriages I've had to show in my SIX fucking years of trying: 1

Number of children I'm going to have in my lifetime: ZE-FUCKING-RO (for those of you who don't get it, that's a big ZILCH, ZERO, NONE!)

Number of posts back to this saying "Yes you will": maybe 3. That's wishful thinking.

Number of times I'm going to agree: ZERO.


I've come to the conclusion that the universe is one big asshole and I can ask to be a mom until I'm goddamned blue in the face but it's just not going to happen. My husband just won't let hope die a slow painful death and agree with me that we just won't ever be parents. Whatever, I've learned that lesson. Hope is bullshit. Hope never comes. If Hope were a real thing, things like miscarriages, and murders, and rape wouldn't exist. Why do I think every month that I would even have a fraction of a chance to be a mom? Because Hope is evil. Sure, there are a lot of people who have had kids after trying or after miscarriages...well, then maybe my Hope doesn't exist. Maybe their hope does.

Lucky them. I'm done.

Liar, Liar, Heart's on Fire.

I've been having super bad panic attacks lately. Not sure why but I'm back on meds for it. Fun fun. I've been doing well the past few days. Haven't had many attacks at all; some days, I don't have any.

I thought today would be one of those days. My husband texted me at work and said his sister called him and wants to repair the relationship between us and her. She was going to email me and see how she could fix it. I checked my email and there it was; her name stuck out of the junk mail like a sore thumb.

I decided I was going to lay it all on the line and tell her everything that has been hurting us for the past 6 years; mainly with my stepson. I was going to tell her how she acted more like his mother then his aunt and how she disrespected my husband every time she called him by his name and not "dad". I wanted to tell her how that one Christmas where we went to my in-laws house and my stepson was there hurt because we hadn't seen him in three years and here he was; allowed to see them.

I wanted to tell her how she pissed me off that night at dinner and how she made me furious when she said "What kind of dad locks his son in a car?" because my mother in law failed to mention the car automatically locks when you get out and my stepson was inside sleeping. I wanted to tell her how every day for the past 6 years has been a living hell without my stepson and how she let it happen. I wanted to tell her to thank Jesus for every day she has with her son because some people don't get to see their children. And I wanted her to put herself in my husbands shoes now that she was a parent and wonder what it would be like to not see your child every day and could only see him when your mother in law brought him to you, like you were some kind of hardened criminal.

But most of all, I wanted to tell her how I was pissed off that she tried to sneak her pregnancy around me like she was pitying me the entire 9 months. I wanted to tell her to keep her pity; I don't need it. There were so many things I wanted to tell her and make her aware of; most of which she never knew happened. Some of them my husband doesn't even know; like his mother telling me I'm the reason why he can't see his son. Or that I found my husbands real dad and he's not dead like my mother in law made my husband believe.

Did I tell her that? Do I feel better? Did I lay it all on the line for her to read?


No.


I told her it was my fault and that I misinterpreted everything. I told her that I was bitter about her pregnancy and I was sorry. I told her I took her Christmas gift last year out of context and that it was all in my head...like my husband loves to say.

Why did I lie? It seems it'll be easier that way. My husband doesn't feel the same way I do and he says he's already talked to her about the issue with my stepson and she doesn't have anything to do with it. He says he thinks it was nice of her to contact me and want to repair things. And he makes me feel like this is all my fault.

So yeah. I lied to keep the peace. I guess I'll let the rest of that stuff eat at me for the next 6 years and beyond. At least it won't upset anyone and things can go back to being golden, right?


Right?