F.M.L.

Let's see what the score is, shall we?

Drafts of heated emails to send to my sister-in-law: 2

Symptoms I've imagined: 25

Number of panic attacks I've had in the last week: 3

Price of repairs done to my car just this week: $1125.25

Amount of stupid fucking gay ass bullshit pregnancy tests I've taken: 30

Amount of stupid fucking gay ass bullshit negative tests I've gotten: 30

Number of miscarriages I've had to show in my SIX fucking years of trying: 1

Number of children I'm going to have in my lifetime: ZE-FUCKING-RO (for those of you who don't get it, that's a big ZILCH, ZERO, NONE!)

Number of posts back to this saying "Yes you will": maybe 3. That's wishful thinking.

Number of times I'm going to agree: ZERO.


I've come to the conclusion that the universe is one big asshole and I can ask to be a mom until I'm goddamned blue in the face but it's just not going to happen. My husband just won't let hope die a slow painful death and agree with me that we just won't ever be parents. Whatever, I've learned that lesson. Hope is bullshit. Hope never comes. If Hope were a real thing, things like miscarriages, and murders, and rape wouldn't exist. Why do I think every month that I would even have a fraction of a chance to be a mom? Because Hope is evil. Sure, there are a lot of people who have had kids after trying or after miscarriages...well, then maybe my Hope doesn't exist. Maybe their hope does.

Lucky them. I'm done.