Liar, Liar, Heart's on Fire.

I've been having super bad panic attacks lately. Not sure why but I'm back on meds for it. Fun fun. I've been doing well the past few days. Haven't had many attacks at all; some days, I don't have any.

I thought today would be one of those days. My husband texted me at work and said his sister called him and wants to repair the relationship between us and her. She was going to email me and see how she could fix it. I checked my email and there it was; her name stuck out of the junk mail like a sore thumb.

I decided I was going to lay it all on the line and tell her everything that has been hurting us for the past 6 years; mainly with my stepson. I was going to tell her how she acted more like his mother then his aunt and how she disrespected my husband every time she called him by his name and not "dad". I wanted to tell her how that one Christmas where we went to my in-laws house and my stepson was there hurt because we hadn't seen him in three years and here he was; allowed to see them.

I wanted to tell her how she pissed me off that night at dinner and how she made me furious when she said "What kind of dad locks his son in a car?" because my mother in law failed to mention the car automatically locks when you get out and my stepson was inside sleeping. I wanted to tell her how every day for the past 6 years has been a living hell without my stepson and how she let it happen. I wanted to tell her to thank Jesus for every day she has with her son because some people don't get to see their children. And I wanted her to put herself in my husbands shoes now that she was a parent and wonder what it would be like to not see your child every day and could only see him when your mother in law brought him to you, like you were some kind of hardened criminal.

But most of all, I wanted to tell her how I was pissed off that she tried to sneak her pregnancy around me like she was pitying me the entire 9 months. I wanted to tell her to keep her pity; I don't need it. There were so many things I wanted to tell her and make her aware of; most of which she never knew happened. Some of them my husband doesn't even know; like his mother telling me I'm the reason why he can't see his son. Or that I found my husbands real dad and he's not dead like my mother in law made my husband believe.

Did I tell her that? Do I feel better? Did I lay it all on the line for her to read?


No.


I told her it was my fault and that I misinterpreted everything. I told her that I was bitter about her pregnancy and I was sorry. I told her I took her Christmas gift last year out of context and that it was all in my head...like my husband loves to say.

Why did I lie? It seems it'll be easier that way. My husband doesn't feel the same way I do and he says he's already talked to her about the issue with my stepson and she doesn't have anything to do with it. He says he thinks it was nice of her to contact me and want to repair things. And he makes me feel like this is all my fault.

So yeah. I lied to keep the peace. I guess I'll let the rest of that stuff eat at me for the next 6 years and beyond. At least it won't upset anyone and things can go back to being golden, right?


Right?