Day 3...still doing well.

So day 3 of my meds and I'm still doing well. I've lost 10lbs and I'm not attributing that to the meds since I haven't been on them long and I started losing that before I took them. I've been forcing myself to eat more throughout the day instead of the three big meals of the day. Surprisingly enough, it actually worked.

I have a bagel with strawberry yogurt cream cheese for breakfast, then a low-fat pudding cup halfway between breakfast and lunch, then lunch, another pudding cup and dinner when I get home. I couldn't believe it when I stepped on the scale and saw that I had lost 10lbs. It does wonders for my confidence and the most I lose, the better I'm going to feel. I've had a big issue with feeling sexy around my husband lately and I think this is going to help tremendously.

I think (or at least I HOPE) it'll help with fertility too. I finished my clomid yesterday so I'm just waiting to see if my body will cooperate with me. This was my last refill before I have to call the Dr for more (granted he actually gives me more and doesn't just refer me to an RE) so hopefully I won't have to call the Dr for more refills.

Anyways, I have to go get ready. Hubby suggested antique shopping until he sat down in front of the TV so I must lure him away with promises of D&D coffee. LOL. Have a great day all!

I'm here, I'm fine,

Not that anyone cares. No Jenn, I know you do. I'm pretty sure you're the only one who cares but that's fine by me. :)

Actually things have been well, not bad. There have been a few hiccups lately but otherwise, I'm good. The little things that make me happy; AF stuck around for 5 and only 5 days and I have a completely normal 34 day cycle. Now I'm on a new one and tomorrow will be day 5 of Clomid again. It's my last refill before I have to call for more so keep your fingers crossed for me, won't you?

If not, I guess it'll be ok. I'm on a new medication to help me concentrate and it's also prescribed for weight loss. So, two birds, one large stone. Maybe once I'm back down to the weight I want to be, it'll just "happen" like it does to so many. Ya think? Yeah, probably not, lol. Anyway, the meds are complimenting the anxiety pills I'm on now pretty well and it almost helps me to calm right down. Almost immediately. Now I can see why the caution on the label says "risk of dependance: high". No worries, that's not me.

I know I shouldn't talk about it here but I feel I must. She knows this is how I feel since I just sent her an email saying so, LOL. I know this blog is a lot about "i hate pregnant women" this and "i hate pregnant women" that but I want her to know and everyone else to know, it's not directed at any of you. Am I completely and utterly jealous of her? Absolutely. Do I wish I was in her shoes right now? Completely. Do I hate her because she has what I want so badly? Never. I love her and I wish she'd tell me what I did wrong so that I can apologize and explain that it was never my intention. But, maybe I just did. I hate the distance between us. <3 You know who you are.

Well, I'm gonna go curl up next to my wonderful husband and go to sleep happy. It hasn't happened in a long time so I'm going to take full advantage of it. Happy...hmm. What a concept. I think I like it. :)

F.M.L.

Let's see what the score is, shall we?

Drafts of heated emails to send to my sister-in-law: 2

Symptoms I've imagined: 25

Number of panic attacks I've had in the last week: 3

Price of repairs done to my car just this week: $1125.25

Amount of stupid fucking gay ass bullshit pregnancy tests I've taken: 30

Amount of stupid fucking gay ass bullshit negative tests I've gotten: 30

Number of miscarriages I've had to show in my SIX fucking years of trying: 1

Number of children I'm going to have in my lifetime: ZE-FUCKING-RO (for those of you who don't get it, that's a big ZILCH, ZERO, NONE!)

Number of posts back to this saying "Yes you will": maybe 3. That's wishful thinking.

Number of times I'm going to agree: ZERO.


I've come to the conclusion that the universe is one big asshole and I can ask to be a mom until I'm goddamned blue in the face but it's just not going to happen. My husband just won't let hope die a slow painful death and agree with me that we just won't ever be parents. Whatever, I've learned that lesson. Hope is bullshit. Hope never comes. If Hope were a real thing, things like miscarriages, and murders, and rape wouldn't exist. Why do I think every month that I would even have a fraction of a chance to be a mom? Because Hope is evil. Sure, there are a lot of people who have had kids after trying or after miscarriages...well, then maybe my Hope doesn't exist. Maybe their hope does.

Lucky them. I'm done.

Liar, Liar, Heart's on Fire.

I've been having super bad panic attacks lately. Not sure why but I'm back on meds for it. Fun fun. I've been doing well the past few days. Haven't had many attacks at all; some days, I don't have any.

I thought today would be one of those days. My husband texted me at work and said his sister called him and wants to repair the relationship between us and her. She was going to email me and see how she could fix it. I checked my email and there it was; her name stuck out of the junk mail like a sore thumb.

I decided I was going to lay it all on the line and tell her everything that has been hurting us for the past 6 years; mainly with my stepson. I was going to tell her how she acted more like his mother then his aunt and how she disrespected my husband every time she called him by his name and not "dad". I wanted to tell her how that one Christmas where we went to my in-laws house and my stepson was there hurt because we hadn't seen him in three years and here he was; allowed to see them.

I wanted to tell her how she pissed me off that night at dinner and how she made me furious when she said "What kind of dad locks his son in a car?" because my mother in law failed to mention the car automatically locks when you get out and my stepson was inside sleeping. I wanted to tell her how every day for the past 6 years has been a living hell without my stepson and how she let it happen. I wanted to tell her to thank Jesus for every day she has with her son because some people don't get to see their children. And I wanted her to put herself in my husbands shoes now that she was a parent and wonder what it would be like to not see your child every day and could only see him when your mother in law brought him to you, like you were some kind of hardened criminal.

But most of all, I wanted to tell her how I was pissed off that she tried to sneak her pregnancy around me like she was pitying me the entire 9 months. I wanted to tell her to keep her pity; I don't need it. There were so many things I wanted to tell her and make her aware of; most of which she never knew happened. Some of them my husband doesn't even know; like his mother telling me I'm the reason why he can't see his son. Or that I found my husbands real dad and he's not dead like my mother in law made my husband believe.

Did I tell her that? Do I feel better? Did I lay it all on the line for her to read?


No.


I told her it was my fault and that I misinterpreted everything. I told her that I was bitter about her pregnancy and I was sorry. I told her I took her Christmas gift last year out of context and that it was all in my head...like my husband loves to say.

Why did I lie? It seems it'll be easier that way. My husband doesn't feel the same way I do and he says he's already talked to her about the issue with my stepson and she doesn't have anything to do with it. He says he thinks it was nice of her to contact me and want to repair things. And he makes me feel like this is all my fault.

So yeah. I lied to keep the peace. I guess I'll let the rest of that stuff eat at me for the next 6 years and beyond. At least it won't upset anyone and things can go back to being golden, right?


Right?