27.

Yeah, so today is my birthday. Big deal.  27 is a crappy number...it just means 3 more years until 30 and a reminder that it's been almost 7 years of trying (pointlessly) of having a family and 7 years of not seeing my stepson.  Big whoop.

27.  I should have at least 2 kids by now but what do I have? 2 dogs that won't stop beating the crap out of each other and a migraine.  Lucky me.  At least I have an amazing husband who, when we can get a minute alone and away from these pain in the ass dogs, reminds me how awesome our lives are with just the two of us.  Still, it would be even more awesome with a little one in it...and I don't mean another little dog.  Too bad that won't ever happen.


We applied for our fostering license on the Fourth of July.  We have yet to hear back from them and they said we'd hear back in about 7 days.  Seems like any avenue in our lives that has to do with children is a dead end.  Real fair.

So, happy birthday to me...still can't seem to get that birthday present I wish for every year and I just get one year closer to menopause, I suppose, because I'm not getting one year closer to anything else unfortunately.

Oh, whoops...

I re-read my posts from the end of 2010 and realized I didn't update about some things...

First, I did get the car.  I didn't even need anyone to co-sign for me; I only needed my aunt to loan me the money for the sales tax, which she did, and I've paid her back everything I owed her.  Even though I've had to bring it to the mechanic a couple times (under warranty until next December anyway), I love it to death.

My post-op appt last AUGUST (lol, sorry, I'm a little slow)...turns out, I had a mild case of endo like he said, along with PCOS like I suspected but also found out that I have...drumroll please...a blocked left tube.  Are you frikken kidding me? When I did my HSG the first time, I watched the dye go through without issue and now, it won't.  So, I can't make a mature egg because of the PCOS.  If I managed to make a mature egg somehow, it would have to come from my right tube by pure luck.  And if I made a mature egg and it came from my right tube, it would have to implant in a spot not covered by scar tissue.  So, close to impossible I guess.

Let's see...if a woman who has no known fertility issues has 12 chances a year, then let's say a woman with PCOS only has (for shits and giggles) 6 chances a year.  If that same woman with PCOS also has one blocked tube, she probably has 3 chances a year.  Finally, if that same woman with PCOS and one blocked tube also has a mild case of endo, she probably has (you guessed it) 1.5 chances a year.  Too bad I don't think I have even that much.

1.5 chances every 12 months ~if~ conditions are perfect.  You've got to be kidding me, right? Now everyone can wonder why I roll my eyes at them when they say "I know it will happen for you".  It hasn't happened in 6 years, we've gotten nothing closer than a faint line and a rapidly dropping quantitative blood test, so why the HELL would you think it would happen for me, nevermind ~know~? Please, keep the puppies and rainbows instead of shoving them up my ass, ok?  This whole process can kiss my ass for all I care.

Anyway, that's pretty much my update in a (big) nutshell.  Stay tuned for next week's episode when I finally lose it completely and mention IVF to my husband...

Wow.

I haven't posted since September of 2010. Yikes.

In my defense, my computer had been broken for about 3 months at the very least but I finally have it back up and running.  I can't be a very good photographer if I don't have a computer to use to make the necessary edits.

So, what's going on in my life you're wondering? Well, not much of anything.  I'm not sure why, but I've been reading and re-reading through older posts around the time we lost Adam.  I've been looking at the photos of the tests and wondering "why not me"? I don't know where this "journey" is taking me, and I'm not really sure I'm even still on the ride.  I kind of feel like I fell off a long time ago.  I don't even get my hopes up anymore, if I can even bring myself to care enough to test. It doesn't help that my sister-in-law is pregnant with her second child already and they were married a few months after us during the same year.  It's just one salt mound poured in my gaping wounds after another, isn't it?

In other news, I've lost 40 pounds and my husband and I have joined a gym together.  It's actually working out quite nice and it gives us time together while getting in shape....when I can manage to get him to go, that is.  Between work and playing soccer three times a week, he's usually pretty exhausted when we have a free moment to go to the gym.  I can't blame him though, I've been pretty exhausted myself. I'm working on creating a database at work and just had my second interview for a specialist/supervisor position.  I think I have a pretty good chance at getting it, especially since my manager has seen the things my database can do and how OCD I am about getting things to work and look nice.  We'll see I guess.

Sometimes I think, "Great. I've become the 'career woman' instead of the mom I wanted to be".  Not that being a career woman is bad, not at all, and that's not even to say that I wouldn't have a career after kids because I definitely would.  I just mean, my life is focused around my job so much right now and the only reason why it is that way is because I'm absolutely and positively incapable of becoming a mother.  You know how when men get vasectomies, how sometimes they feel like they're losing their "manhood"? Well, being infertile feels like I've lost my "womanhood"; the true essence of being a woman.  I mean, what separates women from men (besides the obvious anatomical features)? The fact that a woman can bear children and a man can't, right? Even still, a man can help ~create~ life at least, even if he can't bring the child into the world.  So where do I fit in? I can't make a child and I can't give birth to a child due to, among other things, my first statement of not being able to make a child.  I feel like I don't fit in anywhere, like I have no place here and no meaning.  I honestly have hit a brick wall and do not know where to turn on this awful 6 year journey to motherhood.  It's a sad feeling, but I've given up. Totally and completely given up. I ~know~ it will never happen.  It's not even a matter of just "thinking" it will never happen anymore.  In my heart of hearts, I know I will never be a mother.

And even though I've truly given up all hope of ever becoming one, the thought of it kills me.  Every. Single. Day.