Wow.

I haven't posted since September of 2010. Yikes.

In my defense, my computer had been broken for about 3 months at the very least but I finally have it back up and running.  I can't be a very good photographer if I don't have a computer to use to make the necessary edits.

So, what's going on in my life you're wondering? Well, not much of anything.  I'm not sure why, but I've been reading and re-reading through older posts around the time we lost Adam.  I've been looking at the photos of the tests and wondering "why not me"? I don't know where this "journey" is taking me, and I'm not really sure I'm even still on the ride.  I kind of feel like I fell off a long time ago.  I don't even get my hopes up anymore, if I can even bring myself to care enough to test. It doesn't help that my sister-in-law is pregnant with her second child already and they were married a few months after us during the same year.  It's just one salt mound poured in my gaping wounds after another, isn't it?

In other news, I've lost 40 pounds and my husband and I have joined a gym together.  It's actually working out quite nice and it gives us time together while getting in shape....when I can manage to get him to go, that is.  Between work and playing soccer three times a week, he's usually pretty exhausted when we have a free moment to go to the gym.  I can't blame him though, I've been pretty exhausted myself. I'm working on creating a database at work and just had my second interview for a specialist/supervisor position.  I think I have a pretty good chance at getting it, especially since my manager has seen the things my database can do and how OCD I am about getting things to work and look nice.  We'll see I guess.

Sometimes I think, "Great. I've become the 'career woman' instead of the mom I wanted to be".  Not that being a career woman is bad, not at all, and that's not even to say that I wouldn't have a career after kids because I definitely would.  I just mean, my life is focused around my job so much right now and the only reason why it is that way is because I'm absolutely and positively incapable of becoming a mother.  You know how when men get vasectomies, how sometimes they feel like they're losing their "manhood"? Well, being infertile feels like I've lost my "womanhood"; the true essence of being a woman.  I mean, what separates women from men (besides the obvious anatomical features)? The fact that a woman can bear children and a man can't, right? Even still, a man can help ~create~ life at least, even if he can't bring the child into the world.  So where do I fit in? I can't make a child and I can't give birth to a child due to, among other things, my first statement of not being able to make a child.  I feel like I don't fit in anywhere, like I have no place here and no meaning.  I honestly have hit a brick wall and do not know where to turn on this awful 6 year journey to motherhood.  It's a sad feeling, but I've given up. Totally and completely given up. I ~know~ it will never happen.  It's not even a matter of just "thinking" it will never happen anymore.  In my heart of hearts, I know I will never be a mother.

And even though I've truly given up all hope of ever becoming one, the thought of it kills me.  Every. Single. Day.