Madness

I swear, sometimes I think the universe is against me. 

It's CD 42. No AF, no cramping, light tan colored EWCM (which I've NEVER seen before), but no definite BFP.  I say definite because sometimes I think I see a line, and sometimes I don't.  Like here, I'll post a pic of the most recent test I took...

I don't know.  Sometimes I can look at it and say "Hmm, maybe I see a line" and sometimes I look at it and say "No, there is definitely no line".  I think I've lost it.  Oh and just for the record, I really hate the new "Lab strips" Answer came out with.  My personal opinion is they suck but they rope people in by saying you get 5 for $15.  What they fail to mention is the control line is so damn light no matter how long you hold it in the cup and they're tiny and not so easy to see.  Just another reason to make women go crazy....they must be made by men.

Two nights ago, I applied for a pre-approval for a 2008 Jeep Patriot 4x4.  The next morning at 8am, the sales manager is calling me to set up an appointment.  He also emailed me.  So, I emailed him back and told him I wasn't going to be around but that I'd be available tomorrow (today) around 1.  So we set up an appointment so I could go there and take it for a test drive.  The dealership is not in my state; it's about 45 minutes away and although that's not a long time, it's not right around the corner either.  It's definitely not close enough to dick around with some stooge at the dealership.

We get there and the guy who we were supposed to meet isn't there, so some guy with a girl's name (Cheyenne) helps us.  He brings us over to the car, reaches in, and says "Hmmm, it says it's on hold".  I said "Well, it's probably a hold for us because we made an appointment yesterday".  So, he goes and checks to be on the safe side.  He comes back out and says "Yeah.  They sold that car this morning.".  I flipped out.  The douchebag salesman could call me at 8am on a Saturday to have me make an appointment, but he can't call me to tell me the car is sold?? Ass.  So I got bitchy with the salesman and said "Well it would have been nice of him to call me.  I don't live right around the corner from here.".  The salesman proceeds to ask where I'm from and although I tell him, I really wanted to say "It doesn't matter where the hell I live, it was still friggin rude!". 

I started walking back to the car to leave but my husband convinced me to check out other cars on the lot and asked the guy which cars were in the same price range as the other one.  He pointed some out and then pointed towards a silver 2008 Jeep Liberty.  Ok, that works for me.  I have a 2002 Jeep Liberty and although I love it to death, it's getting too old to go the distance I need it to.  So, we take it for a test drive and it runs gorgeously.  We get back and decide, what the hell, let's just see if we can get pre-approved.

Long story short, they would only drop the price by $200 and wouldn't require a down payment.  He said with my credit history, I'd be paying about $310-325 a month. Ha.  I can't afford that but fine, put it through to see if I can be pre-approved.  He said he has seen people in the same exact situation get a quote back from the bank saying they can pay $280-290 a month.  Ok, that's better.  My husband says "It's only an extra $20-40.  You wouldn't pay that if you got the higher rate?".  Ummm, no.  First, it's for 72 months so let's see; even at the lowest difference of $10, that's still $720 more in the long run.  Ultimately, I would like to pay $280 a month even if it's for 72 months.  My aunt said she'd give me the money for the sales tax (which I don't want her to do) and if I have to, I can ask my grandmother to co-sign for me to help me get a better rate.

I filled out the papers and gave him a $100 check to hold the car.  They will process the paperwork tonight and will get back to me tomorrow with the bank's decision.  I know what it will be...denied, as usual.  Then I have to ask someone to co-sign for me AND help me with the sales tax.  I hate car shopping, I just hate it.

So, I'm stuck in limbo with both situations and I hate it.  I wasted all that money on those surgeries for nothing.  It's never going to change my situation and I'm going to be 60 years old still with no kids.  What a sad existence.  People who are murderers, sexually abusive, physically and mentally abusive, downright bad parents can have children but I can't? I know I'm not perfect, but cmon...I can't be worse then a murderer.  I just don't get it. I don't know what to do to correct this or if I even can but I can feel myself losing the desire for a family, not because I don't want one but because I know I will never have one.  So why tease yourself with the notion of something that will never happen? Why not just let go while you still have what little sanity is left? I wish I could, I really do.  Maybe someday my heart will finally give up and will let me break free of infertility's grasp.  For now, I'm its prisoner and it holds me captive every day of my life.

Something has got to change before the madness consumes me whole.