Christ, why do I do this to myself?

I go into this battle with myself every month and my brain says "Hey, you could be pregnant" but my heart says "You definitely aren't". My heart usually wins, except that one time in October of last year. The whole thing is completely ridiculous. I take the stupid test, I know it's going to be negative, it turns out negative, I take a picture of it and stare at it endlessly anyway, all the while knowing what I'm doing is absurd.

I'm definitely not using blue dye tests ever again. I wish I could listen to my heart for once and not test ever again and give up this stupid bullshit, but of course, my brain is louder then my heart. I honestly do not know why I even bother anymore. Besides stupidity, what the hell would make someone want to put themselves through this month after month, knowing full well what the outcome is going to be? I hate it. I hate trying, I hate negative tests, I hate not having ONE friend or family member who isn't pregnant or has had kids (not hate "them", I hate the notion that I'm the only one without kids), and most of all, I hate myself for letting my brain fool my heart once again into thinking I ever had a fighting chance.

I found pictures of the test from the miscarriage today. I want to cry, I want to be angry, I want to scream. Yet, I can do nothing but stare at it. My one and only shot that I've ever had and probably will ever have again was taken away as quickly as it came. I told myself the other day that I would not post pictures of the test at all because 1) I knew it was just a fluke and 2) because it could turn out the way the miscarriage did. In heartbreak. Yet for some reason, I posted it anyways. The worst part is, I would have already known what sex the baby was going to be. I would have already had his or her room underway. I would have already been out of my mind excited. I would have been due in about 7 weeks.

I can't even begin to explain how empty and lonely I feel right now. I can't describe what I would do or what I would give to feel pregnant, even for a day. I can't put into words how badly my heart hurts. Knowing you will never be a mother is not only the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with but the worst. My ex cheated on me for the entire 4 years we were together, lied to me all the time, married the girl he cheated on me with, and called our wedding off months before it was supposed to happen. You know what? This feeling is worse. I thought I would never get over what he did to me, but I did. I honestly do not think I will ever get over this whole ordeal. It's taken too big of a toll on my heart and my life and my pocket. I will always be bitter towards the universe for dealing me a shitty hand and not giving me even one ounce of good luck. I will always feel incredibly lonely when I think of how wonderful it must feel to be a mom.

You know what's really crazy? DH got a $2 raise today, his boss said he'd help us put a down payment on a car, we have money in the bank AFTER our bills are paid, my boss told me how "awesome" of a job I've been doing, and I had a wonderful day at work. Do you think I can be happy about any of those things? Nope. No matter how hard I try, none of those seem to put a smile on my face because my heart is hurting too much right now.

I can honestly say I do not know what I was put on this earth for. I don't know what my purpose in life is but it's obviously not to be a parent. I feel completely, utterly, incredibly useless. It's probably not going to stop any time soon, either.